Lets start with labels,shall we?
I am bi (polar and sexual actually). A survivor of domestic violence which has left me with PTSD and damage to my spine. I have severe depression ,social anxiety (thats almost debilitating),and fibro (cuz mental issues arent enough,Always the overachiever here!)
This time of year always plays hell on my mental state. Im in a constant battle with myself daily,even more so then normal.December 23rd will be the 7th anniversary of my Dad's death. I was very much a Daddy's girl. Hes the reason for my love for wrestling (took me to all the matches that he could...which was ALOT),my love for classic muscle cars (which Ive happily passed down to my oldest) and my awesome musical knowledge. Hes also the reason Ive got a smart ass mouth and a take no shit attitude when im pissed.
He made sure everyone knew who his baby was. He still bragged about me calling him once a month to anyone who would listen ,despite me being well into adult hood when he passed away. He loved to tell the stories about me learning how to race and beating my much older brother on the drag track with my "barbie car"
Then about 2 weeks later I have to face January 6th. Im 34 so this year it will be 23 years since she lost her battle with cancer. Its a bitch being a girl and growing up without a mom. Its even more of a bitch when you try to remember the sound of her voice and you cant all because you hadnt heard it since you were 11.I think the hardest is when you take a picture and share it only to have well meaning family message you saying how much you look like your mother.
I think thats part of why I dye my hair so often. My natural is the same color hers was. I know thats why I kept it short since I cut it off when she got sick, ( My hair was down my back, much like hers and when she began treatment all of hers was gone, so I cut mine off ) until recently when John asked me to let it grow. As much as he would love me being my natural color ( and the amount of money we would save) he understands why I change it
See I dont think Ive ever actually dealt with her death. Ive never mourned her. I went from being a spoiled 11 year old girl to grown as hell and taking care of my dad in a matter of the 2 months she was hospitalized . I went from my biggest worry being when my next hockey game was to making sure the mortgage was paid and the check book balanced. I went from being woke up around 8 to go to school to getting up at 4 to make sure Dad's lunch bag was packed for him to go to work that afternoon before getting myself off to school around 7,coming home around 4pm and making dinner for myself since dad worked from 4PM to 4AM. (honestly looking back this is probably where my issue with being alone stems from).
Long story short( if anyone is still reading that is) this time of year leads to some pretty dark shit in my head. I fight urges that ive kept at bay because the whole situation reopens old wounds (pardon the pun) ,and it often leads me into getting lost in my own head. If youve decided to stick around even after learning all this new fun info about me and see me getting lost in that big empty space between my ears......please try to pull me out of it. I dont always have the strongest grip on reality and I could use all the help I can get when I need to hold on.
Ray
