some days

some days i dont want to get up
some days i  can take on the world

some days i dont want to breathe
some days i feel as if i can fly

some days i dont want to be around anyone
some days i feel so lonely im lost

some days i dont want to be alone
some days i crave attention

some days i dont want to live
some days i feel as if i cant fathom not being around.

The problem i am having
is some days
the other side of the coin, the cool soothing side of the pillow
never comes.
And on those days
I want to die.

Its been a long time since you left

26 years ago,today a dream that an 11 year old girl had came true.Down to the words said,minutes on the clock,everything. That day she was called out of health ,she was going home ,her uncle was coming to get her. She sat frozen in her chair hoping it wasnt she was leaving school,she just wouldnt have to walk home that day. She sat there silently praying,her dream wasnt coming true. It wasnt one of the good kinds of dreams.

In this dream she lost of the most important people in her life,she saw the machines breathing for her,the tubes coming out of her,the way her once  shapely body was now frail yet swollen as it was shutting down on itself. She still saw the beauty that was within her,the once bright light in her eyes now dimmed but not fully gone.  Its an image that was forever burned into her mind well before she actually saw the scene.

 It was almost a sense of deja vu as she was walked up to the hospital room where she knew who was behind that door. She was ushered into a small ,windowless room packed with family in various states of emotion.Her father, the only one she told in this family about the dream had already stopped her prior to her going upstairs to say "you were right. you fucking knew it.I should have listened"  She walked out of that tiny room,down the hall where she saw another uncle standing.She knew already it was the right room. Walking in,she looked up at her ,leaned in,give her a kiss and said I love you to her mom for the last time

Today is another one of those days that I loathe coming each year. Ive always pushed everyone away,isolating myself because no one needs to see me like this.

I miss you mom. It never does get easier. I love you.