Beyond happy

So I've been here with Herby for 2 weeks now and I'm still beyond happy. This is honestly the best choice I could have ever made. The girls are so much happier,were safe and I finally feel that sense of home that's been missing ever since I left Chicago all those years ago. Herby is amazing and I'm a lucky girl to have ever caught his attention, all though I still think he could do better.
I'm still working on finding a job and an apartment for the girls and I,but I keep being told to be patient.

Today is Herby's birthday. I get to celebrate it with him and I'm excited about that. Even if he is a pain in the butt and won't tell me what he wants lol

Tomorrow I leave

By this time tomorrow I will have already been on the road for several hours.

To say I'm nervous is an understatement. I'm terrified. Not really for what I'm doing or even who I am doing this with but more so of the prospect of all that could go wrong.I know I don't need to worry or stress, I have an amazing support system but I cant help it. I have high functioning anxiety plus (despite arguments to the contrary) this is really my first time being an adult. I'm nervous and I'm scared,yet I'm excited too.

Here's to a safe trip where memories will be made and new beginnings started.

Tomorrow starts a new path....

Tomorrow morning will change everything. Tomorrow morning will bring an end to over a decade.

As of tomorrow morning I will be divorced for the second time.

I know alot of people never saw this coming and even more right now are reading this while shocked. Not many knew he and I even separated,much less filed for divorce. To say its been less then acrimonious, would be an understatement but we are trying to coexist for the time being. We did come to an agreement so that we were able to get the divorce done and over with. Its not been without issues,fights and ordeals.However,in the end it will all be worth it. I will be leaving mid August to start over,the girls and I. It will be new for us and there is alot of unknown in our immediate future,yet that's nothing we fear.

I keep ending up in my head and its hard to get out of sometimes. I worry about the future and how well I will do with the girls on my own. I'm not the most optimistic type of person, I'm more of a pessimistic type,the one who comes up with ever possible negative known to man that could happen. So its naturally messed with me quite a bit. I thought by now, I would have so much more stability and a decent life established not just for me but for the kids,yet here I am uprooting them and starting all over again. Despite knowing I'm doing this for all the right reasons, I still cant help but feel a bit like a disappointment over it. This is one of those times where I wish my Momma and Dad were still alive. Even if I would have had to listen to my dad give me shit (that was his way of dealing with negatives.....be an ass but make me laugh so I stop feeling down....I can almost hear him saying "you really need to quit picking dumb-asses and marrying them" ) and I could really use my mommas hugs right now (and possibly her chocolate chip cookies.....yes I know her recipe but cookies are always better when you don't have to make them yourself ).

I feel so overwhelmed by everything were doing,by the packing ,the move, the actual trip. I think that's why I keep dropping back into little space. I cant stand feeling so out of control and overwhelmed but in this instance, I don't have much of a choice. I don't regret it or whats going on at all,nor do I doubt that its the right thing. Its just alot of work by myself and its scary. Its alot of adulting and I'm not always the best at being an adult.

On the plus side, in the process of packing up my stuff I found my Night Fury stuffy again.

Ex's

I posted a picture on Fb that triggered an ex gf to message. In the process of talking to her I heard something that Ive heard before,actually rather recently, in regards to thinking about or even remaining friends with ex's.

Apparently some have the belief that once a person is an ex they should cease to exist. While this may be the case in some circumstances (a bad split,violent relationship,or just a shitty person in general for example) its not always the case.

Im friends with a large chunk of my ex's,to varying degrees of how close I am to them. One of my best friends is an ex gf who I spent the majority of my formative years with. Maybe Im delusional (god knows that wouldn't be the first time thats been said about me) but I feel people come into your life for a reason.They make an impact, good or bad. There is no reason to ever forget anyone who has ever had an effect on you. Its those people who helped form you into who you are today. Its not just family ,parents or authority figures who mold you,its all relationships,romantic or otherwise.

Plus in all reality, anyone whos ever dated me deserves an award for bravery ,so who the hell am I to not be a force of support for someone who probably has PTSD from dating me?


<3

50 years

Today would have been 50 years of marriage for them. She loved and doted on him until the day she died. His love for her sustained him until he joined her in the afterlife.I can only imagine how happy they are to be spending such a monumental occasion together again after so long apart.

Ma & Old Man...... I love you. I miss you. I really wish you were here so I could celebrate with you and just get hugs from you. Well hugs from Ma.....mostly a bunch of shit talk from the Old Man but thats how we rolled.(Hes the one I get my mouth and attitude from after all.....at least thats who mom blamed it on)  Happy Anniversary to you both,I love you.

We love you.

<3

Sick,Twisted Deviant

Did the title get your attention?

Good.

As of late,Ive been called this and worse,all because some don't understand who I am or what I believe.

See,Ive never been one to hide anything.Mostly out of laziness but partially due to an inability to give a shit what other people think about me.

I am bisexual,polyamorous,Eclectic Pagan with Christian roots and a strong belief in hedge/kitchen/Celtic witchcraft. I am into BDSM,primarily in the DDbg aspects of the lifestyle with bits of others added in to make my life uniquely mine. I am a survivor of mental,physical and sexual abuse/violence. I am sick but try my best to not let my illness rule me. I am Bipolar with severe depression,social anxiety and PTSD. I am also fighting Fibromyalgia which has me in pretty consistent pain most days,with some days making it hard to even walk.Then theres the small issue with my spine that's a left over gift from my ex husbands violence and the debilitating headaches that I promise suck more dick then I ever could.


What does any of that have to do with the title I used? Well over the course of the last 24 hours my life has been called to the carpet by people who have less then full knowledge. These people are family, in the blood related sense anyway, and I wish to only be as considerate as humanly possible by helping them have full information. I would hate for them to make half assed accusations based on what someone who's full sexual experience is by taking as many dicks as she possibly can from various bosses or otherwise taken men while shes "at work" and her (now ex) husband watches the kids. The same family member who while working at a Factory in Lowell would drive by the married man she was fucking's ,her boss none the less,house to see if his wife was there and use the bullshit excuse she wanted to see our aunt who lived in the neighborhood ( who had nothing to do with her since she tried to give her daughter to the other aunt,saying she could adopt her only to take her back at the last moment) .The same one who would have her baby sister help cover her ass with her school by getting her to write her papers for college so she could actually pass as opposed to failing like she was when the 16 yr old runaway baby sister came to stay with her. The same one who got her baby sister into drugs. Nothing hardcore mind you, was just pot but prior to living with her the little sister was fairly clean in that regard (underage drinking on occasion but 90% of the stupid shit done was done while sober before then).

There is alot more ( like the time where the older sister lost her mind,snapped,beat the older brother with a hammer,curling Iron and then strangling him with a phone cord all over their mom saying she couldn't take the little sister with her) but the point of this wasn't to call her out as well. No, it was more or less correcting trains of thought or at least giving more information. I do not deny being sick,twisted or a deviant. I shine in all those areas like the brightest of stars. I just want you to be more informed so you can ,at the very least, make your attempted insults that much more accurate.......

Then again, I did all the writing for you,so you probably just aren't able to form better insults or even really understand any of this now are you?

damn.

<3

Still not any easier

It was a long time ago, but its still not any easier. Its 24 years today.24 years ago today I went from a shy,quiet,intelligent 11 year old little girl to a lost,lonely,scared girl who become older in mind then in body. 24 years ago today I lost the woman responsible for that damn accent I have, the reason my name sounds as hillbilly as it does, the woman who would provide inspiration in the name for my oldest daughter. I was only 11 when cancer took her from me after a very brief fight,and I miss her everyday.

I love you more today then yesterday but less then tomorrow,Ma.

PS....Its only fitting that I will be seeing Beauty and the Beast with your namesake when it is released. I think it will be the perfect time to explain why that movie means so much to me.