some days

some days i dont want to get up
some days i  can take on the world

some days i dont want to breathe
some days i feel as if i can fly

some days i dont want to be around anyone
some days i feel so lonely im lost

some days i dont want to be alone
some days i crave attention

some days i dont want to live
some days i feel as if i cant fathom not being around.

The problem i am having
is some days
the other side of the coin, the cool soothing side of the pillow
never comes.
And on those days
I want to die.

Its been a long time since you left

26 years ago,today a dream that an 11 year old girl had came true.Down to the words said,minutes on the clock,everything. That day she was called out of health ,she was going home ,her uncle was coming to get her. She sat frozen in her chair hoping it wasnt she was leaving school,she just wouldnt have to walk home that day. She sat there silently praying,her dream wasnt coming true. It wasnt one of the good kinds of dreams.

In this dream she lost of the most important people in her life,she saw the machines breathing for her,the tubes coming out of her,the way her once  shapely body was now frail yet swollen as it was shutting down on itself. She still saw the beauty that was within her,the once bright light in her eyes now dimmed but not fully gone.  Its an image that was forever burned into her mind well before she actually saw the scene.

 It was almost a sense of deja vu as she was walked up to the hospital room where she knew who was behind that door. She was ushered into a small ,windowless room packed with family in various states of emotion.Her father, the only one she told in this family about the dream had already stopped her prior to her going upstairs to say "you were right. you fucking knew it.I should have listened"  She walked out of that tiny room,down the hall where she saw another uncle standing.She knew already it was the right room. Walking in,she looked up at her ,leaned in,give her a kiss and said I love you to her mom for the last time

Today is another one of those days that I loathe coming each year. Ive always pushed everyone away,isolating myself because no one needs to see me like this.

I miss you mom. It never does get easier. I love you.

Reflections on this year

As i sit here and reflect on the massive turmoil that catapulted me into vast and much needed changes over the course of the last 12 months, I cant help but smile.

At this point last year I was wallowing in self loathing,dripping with disdain for who i was with and lying to myself constantly to attempt at peace keeping. I survived the most horrid time of year for me with a bleak outlook on any "future" i had. Drowning in depression I saw very little hope of any form of an out ever. My self esteem was in a pit so deep that it might as well have been buried.

I spent my days and nights hanging out with the few people who did understand, made me laugh and would help to ease the hurt i was in .It was those people,that group that eventually led me to where I am now.  Someone who was more of a friend by association ended up hanging around alot more,then he and i started talking alot even when not in game and with others.....

Which led to a crush,then a big mouthed sister saying something to him,him admitting it was a crush going both ways but my dumb ass never even considered that he would like me. No one likes me,not like that anyway,yet somehow he did. It wasn't long after that (and I mean minutes..) we were a thing. It became very serious,very committed ,fairly quickly but it was organic in its course. It was right,it happened naturally.

Eventually he found out how bad things were,how horrid my situation was. He heard things when my mic was on and i opened up alot to him.He heard me cry and he would play guitar to help calm me down or would just talk to me . Over a short period of time, we both realized how much more we meant to each other and how distance wasn't going to last. I was already taking the steps to finalize my situation and he was making the moves on his end to get us out here to him.

In August, we did it. I packed the van and drove off with the girls . Off to a new life, a new situation, a new world for us. We picked him up in Tennessee and from the moment I saw him it all clicked. This was right. I slept for the first time in years peacefully that night in his arms. I woke up rested and happy,smiling even though we still had a 3 day road trip ahead of us. It was something about him, about us that was just right. I worried I would be too touchy,cuddly, or physical ( I don't think Ive ever even admitted that to him ,even now)but I couldn't help it. There was something that happens when we touch. Even now, it still does. I cant adequately describe it,I just know its effective.

Were nearing the end of this year (and almost a full year as a couple ) and we've been through some hard shit already. We've came out the other side of it stronger as a unit ,knowing we will always have each others back if its needed.We've celebrated our first Christmas together,our birthdays together and will soon be each others first kiss for the new year.

As I think of that,there is only one other thought that crosses my mind:

I end this year in the arms of the man I will spend the rest of my years with and I cant imagine a better end to head into a new beginning.

<3
( My Song for Herby)

30 days of gratitude days 12 ~ 18

12 Jersey cotton. I find it so comforting
13.I guess my ability to read. I dont really have anything that I would consider a real ability
14. the sun. despite how much I love the rain its nice to see the sun sometimes (just not much k?)
15.fall. I love fall
16.I dont really have anything Im grateful for on my body. I hate my body
17.Despite the hell I went through to get it Im grateful forthe knowledge I have in regards to bad and abusive relationships.
18. pretty much anything by van gogh.

30 days of gratitude ~Days 1-11~

1 As weird as this will sound since I live in the PNW,but the smell of rain. I find it relaxing and refreshing all the same time.
2.Im most grateful for the Internet/my pc.Ive met my Anam Cara thanks to both as well as friends who have become family.
3.The color (and I know Ill get shit for this ) but rainbow.
4.Im fat....all of the food.
5.Music. It can bring back memories,create new ones, and be the best therapist ever.
6.Again, Rain. I love the darker days and the soothing sounds.
7.Every memory I have I am grateful for. There are some things I wish I could remember and some I wish I could forget,yet overall I am thankful I have the good ones I do.
8.It would be a book not many have heard of or even read but it was the one that made the biggest impression on me at a very young age. "Stephie cant come out to play"
9.Washington. I found my smile,my love and my happiness since Ive been here.
10. Chocolate. No explanation needed.
11. Halloween. I love it.

First 10 songs

Anyone who knows me, knows I love music and I listen to a wide varity of tunes. Its not unheard of for my ipod to go from heavy metal to pop to punk rock to country all within the same playlist. I grew up appreciating all genres and Im all the better for it. My demon spawn has been raised the same way,yet they know what they love and can sing along from current hits as well as shit thats older then I am. Its my way of giving them culture. 

Its not perfect but I can only give away so much of my perfection for fucks sake. 😜

"Put your Ipod on Shuffle . First 10 songs that play"

1. Fuck you by Sleeping with Sirens
2. You're gonna go far kid by The offspring
3.Revenge by P!nk
4. The ABC's of.... by Lords of Acid (a HUGE fave)
5.Call me Maybe by Upon this Dawning
6. Whore By In This Moment (another HUGE fave)
7 Get it wet by Twista
8.Fuck yourself by Halsey
9. Apocalyptic by Halestorm
10. 7 years by Lucas Graham

6 Months

I know, OMG 2 posts in one day WTF?!?!?

But there was a good reason.....See 6 months ago this happened.....

A Wolf and his kitty

Then just a few months ago (in August to be exact) this happened....

Still a Wolf and his kitty

We have been happily together now for 6 months as of today. It feels like so much longer, but its because we are such a good match together. I would have never suspected it when I met him,but I am so glad things have become what they have. 

I cant help but look forward to our forever. He is my forever,my love and my Wolf.

I love you Herby.