Days 24-28

Day 24~PHOTO~

Im thankful for this pic cuz I see the happy old man I was lucky enough to call my Dad,in his element ,surrounded by his grandbabies

Im thankful for this picture because I not only can see the beautiful smile of a mommy who was lost not very long after this but the joy of a grandma who was holding her grand daughter.

Day 25~ LUXURY~I have access to clean water,good food,and a mostly loving family. Not everyone else has those luxuries and I am thankful for the ones I have

Day 26 ~CHARITY~ The Charity I am most thankful for I lost a few years ago when her battle with CF was done. However she helped to push a need to help within her brother and I. Some of the Charities weve helped/worked with/donated to  since have been the CF foundation, Almost all of the AKF campaigns, American Cancer Society, St Jude, and several others.

Day 27 ~SONG~ There are so many songs that have memories attached to them since music is so huge in my life. Im just thankful for music in general.

Day 28~ GIFT~ Im not really huge on gifts, getting them anyway. I think the gift Im most grateful for that Ive ever recieved was a somewhat surprise. A friend of my dads found out I have next to no pictures of him,so she gathered up hers, made copies and mailed them to me with a note and a card of condolence.I got it the night I got back from dropping off the kids to the ex and it was something I needed without knowing I needed it.

30 days of thankfulness ~days 22 and 23

Day 22 ~BOOK~ God there are so many Ive read. I would have to say most anything written by Stephen King as I read most of them while very young (2nd/3rd grade beginning with "The Stand") and Im pretty sure they had a rather large impact on forming who I am as a adult.Which makes even more sense if youve ever read "Misery" or "Delores Claiborne".

Day 23~ FEELING~ I dont know if I can say Im thankful for any feelings. Most of them suck. As someone who is bipolar with severe depressive episodes, I can honestly say I really am not a huge fan of feelings.I am thankful for those rare times where I am able to smile and for those very few who have caused those smiles.I had almost an entire year of smiles ,that started to disappear more towards the end but then recently Ive been lucky enough to have had smiles ,giggles and laughs come back on a semi regular basis. Its nice and its something I am very thankful for.

What the fuck......

I know Im typically a rather reserved and quite person (quit fucking laughing) but I found out more bullshit today in regards to an ex.

Why the fuck would you purposely and knowingly go to a club owned by your ex whom you havent spoken to since the split? Even more so when you have done nothing but be negative in regards to one of the 2 ex's that run the club. Why would you purposely seek out those places? I dont wanna hear "well maybe she didnt know" The person she showed up with is one of the hubby's regulars.She knew.

Ive kept quite about alot of the shit that went on,but this kinda set me off. I cant help but wonder if her husband even knows she purposely looked for her ex boyfriends male strip club.

Its bad enough she hurt me.Its bad enough shes still clinging on to that "bisexual" title but used the excuse of "religious guilt" as her reason for wanting to break up without actually saying she wanted the break up, she naturally left it on me to read between the lines of what she was saying..Maybe its just me, but if you are feeling guilty ,via your "Christianity",over your "sexuality" then why would you still claim it. I mean if the guilt was real, you would no longer act on it right? So then why if have it in your profile? Oh thats right....Attention.God forbid you dont have all the attention on you.

Here's the thing, I hate to be the barer of bad news but you can show up all you want at Rogue. Hell show up when Im there....Fuck apply to be a DJ there.You are a non fucking factor. All the attraction that was once there, is honestly gone.To be 100% truthful,looking back, Im not even completely sure how much was an actual attraction to you and how much was just given to you due to the bond and attraction I had to your other half.

That being said, I did consider you a friend. I opened up to you in alot of ways I normally dont, at least not to many. I did mourn the loss of that friendship. It hurt like hell not hearing from either of you during or after the hurricane hit us despite at that time we were supposed to still be "friends" and I texted you both much like I did everyone else to let them know we were safe. I was even upset slightly on my birthday when I didnt hear from either of you, though I didnt expect it anyway.

I think thats why everyone waited for me to break like I did the first time you caused a split between me and him,yet this time it never happened. Sure I shed a few tears,but nothing like the first time. There have been glimpses of anger ,that come with healing, but I was expecting it for so long that even those arent that bad. Hell I realized the other day,that I can see him online and it no longer bothers me.That last time I talked to him,a a couple weeks or so ago, it had no negative effect,if anything it was like it was back when I first met him. I kept him at an arms length and everything was good.

I guess the point of this really is while I dont understand or get your motive, I couldnt really care less.To further prove that point:

I work at FinDoMina. You are more then welcome to show up anytime.
You already know about Rogue.

Come see me anytime,although we both know you wont.

30 days of thankful Day 21

Day 21~DISAPPOINTMENT/FEAR~ As weird as this might sound to many, Im thankful for the disappointments Ive had in my life. The things that have happened to cause me fear have ,in many ways,made me stronger. I am able to handle ALOT more without serious complaint or without too much trepidation. Things that would break a weaker person,just make me laugh.

Reputation

Im not even 100% sure where this is going to actually go but either way.....

I was talking to a friend earlier,someone whom I think is pretty fucking awesome. During the course of this conversation,ex's and reputations came up.It got me to thinking about alot of my ex's. (Jesus that makes it sound like ive had thousands or some shit) and I released that with each break up my reputation changed.

The reputation I had in high school of being the quiet,smart & scary girl changed after my split from the oldest dad. I was already well known,with my linage preceding me , but ended up with a name for myself after the girl he cheated on me with (yay for best friends *Sarcasm* ) decided to tell some girl that I was talking shit about her. She decided to confront me ,while I was in my 3rd lunch (I didnt see the point in study hall) and said how she heard I was talking shit about her. I didnt even bother looking up from my book when I said "Bitch I dont even know who you are to talk shit about you, but if you want me to I can." about that time my history teacher (who knew me very well) came over and sent us both to the dean. He preceded to tell us both how we are not going to fight on school property and all the normal bullshit so we left the office and agreed to meet at a park near my house after school. Her step sister found out she was meeting me,went home told her dad who came running up to the park to drag the girl away (my family had a reputation) . He got there,literally drug her away and reminded her who the hell we were.

My reputation changed thanks to that ex's new gf who was my ex best friend. She tried to get me jumped or my ass kicked and it backfired without me even having to get my hands dirty.It went around school rapidly and I never had another issue with that girl,hell we are even friends on FB now and when she had her baby she texted me pics.  That whole incident ended up leading me to another ex. One I ended up spending the better part of the last 19 years with off and on. I ended up dating that girls step sister for a long time and we are still friends. Some of the many break ups between she and I have gotten ugly,some weren't that bad. Each time,my reputation changed a little more or a new reputation was given among new people.

Im still dealing with the fall out from my most recent break up from the couple I was dating. Im finding out more and more as time apart happens. Loosing people I once considered friends,due to stories being told,gaining new friends who have taken the time to get to know me as opposed to listening to the drivel they are being fed. The first time I split from the male half of that couple,it broke me. Seriously did some damage and hurt like hell due to the bond I had with him. Its also why I was so willing to give him a second chance, this time with her. Ultimately,it was her that killed it. I loved her,I loved them both, but she was toxxic for me. It was sorta a running thing between us,I was  Harley ( short,psychotic,loyal and intelligent)  ,She was Ivy ( curvy,attention prone and poison) . I didnt realize how accurate that was in regards to me until well after the split. I was hopeful and still blinded by the love I had for them when I ended it. We ended as friends,with the goal of staying friends and nothing changing other then the titles we had for each other. That didnt happen. While it hurt the night we split, I didnt break this time. Everyone waited for it,but it never happened. Then things started getting back to me. Stories that were being spread,lies with bits of truth put in. I still didnt break,I ended up hurt,got angry,but never reacted. Just watched. I watched as she fell from the pedestal I had her on,watched as he slowly started disappearing from my mind,took note as the people I thought to be friends slowly turned their backs on me.

My reputation changed again,I could no longer say I was friends with the majority of my ex's (infact before them, there were only 2 who I was not friends with. 1 cheated on me repeatedly,abandoned me while pregnant with his child,then got popped for like underage girls. the 2nd would be the one who liked to beat the shit out of me,cheat on me, and do alot of other horrid things to me that still leave scars both inside and out) .I cant say that it bothers me either. In all honesty I really feel I would rather attempt to reconcile the friendship I had with my oldest's bio then to even think of counting a lying,manipulating,deceitful,ignorant female like her among those I hold close.I mourn the loss of the bond I had with him, but I presume that can be replaced and replicated just as easily as I was right?

Rayne

30 days of thankful Days 19 & 20

Day 19 ~CLOTHING~ OMG do you know how much clothes I have? Seriously,I think Im most thankful for all of the shirts Ive gotten from the "Always Keep Fighting" Campaigns. They are a comfort on those dark days, the days when I struggle the most (which happens ALOT more often this time of year) plus the positives that came out of those fundraisers are amazing. Im thankful Ive been able to be a part of something as awesome and large as AKF.

Day 20 ~KEEPSAKE~ I have a bunch of keepsakes. Odds and ends that my Da saved for me that were my Momma's,various pieces of jewelry from the course of my relationship with John,and a rather large,eclectic collection of various fandom merchandise that ranges from Comic books to MLP to Nerdy shit like Doctor Who.

30 days of Thankfulness ~Day 18

Day 18 ~QUOTE~ There are so many good ones.Some better then others, some that I relate to more so. Some of my favorites :


“Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think” A. A. Milne

“The secret to happiness is freedom. And the secret to freedom is courage.” Thucydides

“It's up to you how far you go. If you don't try, you'll never know!” Merlin, "Sword in the Stone"

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.” Mandy Hale

“Be the type of person you want to meet.” Unknown (Which is probably why Im friends with so many damn pervs)

30 days 1-17

So Ive been meaning to do this since the 1st but yea......i suck. So Anyway......Heres the first 17 days of Thankfulness for November.

1~ PERSON~ I dont think there is a single person I am most thankful for. I think there are a bunch that have been there for me, loved me, taught me things and have grown to be huge parts of my heart. I am thankful for each of those who fall into that catagory and Im pretty sure they know who they are. If you arent sure, then ask me. We both know i will answer it either way.

2~ANIMAL~ I have a few animals. My Char Char Binks i will forever be thankful for. Shes always there when i need her or when i have food.She never fails to make me laugh even if i dont wanna. I have my ratties. Sadly Ive lost pond,river,derpy and weebles over the course of the last year. I still have my Storm,Oreo,Yin,Yang and Wobbles. They all have such unique personalities and are awesome little babies.

3~COZY PLACE~I am soooooooo  thankful for my bed.Its so cozy and comfortable.

4~FAVORITE SNACK~ I have a few of those.Green Olives,Tortilla Chips with my Cheese and salsa dip,&Parmesan peppercorn dip are just a few that i can think of off the top of my head.

5~PLACE~ Anywhere near the water. Tybee is probably my most favorite since its the ocean.

6~PAIR OF SHOES~ This bitch is almost always in some form of sandles.

7~SCENT~ Lavender or lilac. Its just so soothing and comforting.

8~RESTAURANT~ Fatz is probably my personally favorite.

9~BLOG/WEBSITE~ facebook or tumblr I think. They are both places for me to be able to talk to friends from all over the world and any time

10~TIME OF DAY~ late late at night. Its always so quite and peaceful

11~TRADITION~ The older Ive gotten the less these are even done anymore. The kids have no interest,John just doesnt want to or we are too busy. It barely even feels like the holidays this year even which is a mixed blessing.

12~GADGET~ My Ipod. Music = life

13~ SOMETHING OLD ~ Other then me? All the memories and experiences I have to hold on to

14~ SOMETHING NEW~ newly found friendships and new memories being made

15~ EXPERIENCE~ Despite the pain I ultimately endured, I am thankful for the experiences I had over the course of this last year. I felt love in ways I never had before,trusted people that I normally wouldnt have even let in and even found new capacities within myself for further loves in the future.

16~ RECIPE~ Im sorta known for my cheesecake recipe >:)

17~ STORE~ Torrid! I am so thankful for a store like Torrid where a fluffy girl like me can still be sexy and stylish while being affordable