Its been awhile

And some shit has changed. Kids are still here,lost another caseworker,go back to court march 19th which is when hopefully all this shit will end. Jr's back on meds.Its a different one this time and so far they are helping it seems. Even his teachers are all happy and stuff. Mary is still shutting people out at times and her temper is getting shorter and shorter but at the same time she seems almost over taken by emotions at times. Mya is as clingy as humanly possible for a 8 year old. Kyle has blessed me (note sarcasm) with the need to contact his biological dad. Ive written the letter,but have yet to mail it. Im not really ready to deal with it. Selfish? Perhaps but its a can I really don't want to open no matter how much it rattles.

John and I are ok,all things considered. His weight has went up,which is bothersome for him cuz it effects all parts of him. We had to go yesterday and have his leg scanned to make sure its ok and there wasn't a blood clot in it. Which BTW there isnt,its just a infection that they have him on antibiotics for. My health is well yea......

This past weekend,sucked. I wasn't feeling well,was run down,sleepy, hurting in my back and stomach,my right leg from my hip to ankle was numb to the point you can punch it and I didnt feel it.....Then I started bleeding.  Which is why I kinda disappeared and was sad when I was around. I went to the doc the other day they gave me more meds for all the different things plus added a few more. The leg is apparently nerve damage ,they think,so Ive been given muscle relaxers and pain pills for that....talk about being completely loopy as shit...oye. On the plus side,even though Ive been off my  BP meds for a month,my bp was low but normal...as opposed to the "dead" range it normally is.

So that's an update on our lives,Really its an exciting time lol

Seriously?!?!?

I don't know what's going on with my life right now. First it was fighting to get the kids back,getting them home only to find out how badly he screwed their minds up.Mary's acting out and shutting down all at the same time and Jr getting full on violent with a new love for cussing that he cant seem to control. Yes I know Jr is still off his medication and normal treatments,but hopefully that will be changed come Monday.

Then you have me. I'm decided to work through my issues on my own with the help of what's his face and Prayer(LOTS of prayer) with a bit of meditation thrown in for good measure.But now I have physical issues that are getting worse rather then better.My headaches are back,I have no energy ,sleep for ungodly amounts of time and am lethargic to a painful degree. Yet that's not the worse part of it. I've got a pain in my lower right side,in my abdomen,almost into the pelvis area that is throbbing and hurting and I have a pain on the same side same area,but in my back as well. I have no idea What it is or is causing it. It hurts to sit,to stand,to breathe,hell I just sneezed and cried out in pain. Going to a doc isn't really an option(yay for being broke) and well we all know my ability to take massive OTC meds and how well they work......so I'm at a loss.

Last but not least,I have John. Supportive,loving,attempting to kill himself via BK ,nerd of mine.He and I have struggled over the last year,have went from barely speaking to close as humanly possible to drifting apart and back again. He said something the other day,during one of the many issues we have had as of late with the kids while talking to me alone that broke my heart and I don't have a way to fix it. He looked at me and said," I'll always be step dad.I'll never be any one's dad" I appreciate his honesty but Ive always been the type to fix things of those who I love and are hurting. I cant fix this one. I didn't know and still don't know how to respond to that.

So yea,life is full of fun times for me.....So fun I can barely contain the excitement.
O yea,I almost forgot ,Mary and Mya tried to steal while we were at Kroger earlier,only to have Jr rat them out.

*sighs,shrugs,and wanders off to put away laundry*

Normalcy?

Mary has her friend here. She was going to come over Friday after school,just ride home with Mary from school,but School was closed. Mary found out and literally spent the first 5 hours awake crying,her first sleep over ruined. God forbid that happen. I spent the morning cuddling her and coddling her,John spent it getting laundry together and trying to figure out if the roads were gonna clear up at all. They did,so John had her call her friend ,get directions and off they went with Jr in tow to pick the girl up and do laundry.

I've never seen Mary in such a great mood. Shes happy,sweet,cuddly,loving.....shes her old self. Not a shell of her old self like we have been getting but her actual self. It amazes me.All it took was her best friend spending the weekend.....I may have to adopt this child I swear.

Granted she knows she is welcome here any time she wants to come over,she's well mannered,sweet,quiet and her dad is the one who knocked Kevin's teeth out and is the one person in the state that may despise him an equal amount to what I do.

So normalcy,if this is it,I hope it stays.

Happiness and Pain....

The kids have been home for almost 2 months now. Has it been easy? Uhhhh Hell no. Its been a patience trying,painful,climactic experience. Yet I'm beyond happy that they are home. Its where they belong.It saves them even if right now they don't see this.


Something happened two nights ago,that I'm still struggling to work through mentally. Mary was just being horrible.Its something Ive gotten used to since she came back,but this was even a little worse then normal for her. So I sent her to bed. It was already eight so its not like she was going to bed beyond early.She went upstairs to her room,laid down and cranked her radio up loud. So up we went to ask her to turn it down to a normal level.She refused ,so it was done for her. Off we walk,to go back downstairs and it goes right back up even louder. So off went the fuse for her room. She unplugged the radio and threw it into the hall.When no one responded to that,she stomped downstairs.She stood on the stairs and was promptly ignored. She then turned hateful. She began mocking John as he talked to me and to Kyle. Started calling him horrible names and just being mean. John ,needless to say was shocked. she was never like that before. He asked me to deal with her,so I called her to me. In the process of talking to her ,you could physically feel the hatred coming from her(I know that sounds weird but I swear to you it was tangible) .It eventually broke me,I looked at her ,fighting back tears said"I would have killed to had my mom even be able to talk to me when I was your age,but I couldn't. Instead I had to watch her die,go to her funeral and deal with it" I broke down at that point and John stepped in telling her to just go back up to bed please. She cried for about 2 seconds (and by cried I mean she had tears fall then the stone went back in place) and she went and stood next to the stairs. She then continued to hurl hateful insults ,even going as far as telling John she hated him and he should get out.after about 30 minutes of this going on and on,I went over and tried to pick her up and take her upstairs. She dropped ,dead weight to the floor,kicking and smacking me,eventually digging her nails in until she drew blood.I walked away from her grabbed my phone and sent a text to her therapist all the while listening to her say how much she hates us . John was honestly scared for her,as she was never like this before.I eventually get to the point I cant take it anymore,and just walk into the bathroom before I loose it completely . I get in there,lock myself in and just break down. While I'm in the bathroom,Kyle says something to her about her being hateful and she says how much she hates him and he should shut up before she throws him out a window. Kyle being Kyle ,says I'd like to see you try. She then grabs him and tries to push him through the living room window. I go to leave the bathroom to restrain her and end up falling to the floor and getting sick due to how high the emotions are. At some point during all this John calls his dad ,as his dad has always been close to Mary but she refuses to even listen. John comes to the bathroom to check on me and to show Mary how bad its effecting me and shes heartless. Eventually he gets the others upstairs into bed and I have Mary lay on the couch next to me. John has to leave for work,hes covering the last 1/2 of a shift for a manager who's out sick. He pulls her to him and talks to her for a bit quietly,but you can hear him and her crying. Kyle is on the stairs and sees it looks at me and whispers "Ive never seen him cry" .You can hear the shock and sadness in his voice when he says it. I don't know what John said to her,but it calmed her down mostly. He left for work,she took my phone and spent about an hour texting him while he was at work (alot of which was telling him to bring her home bacon ).She went to sleep and was fine the next morning.


I don't know what the hell caused it,or even how it was fixed. I don't know if I can deal with that again. I know God only gives us what he knows we are strong enough to handle,but at what point do we know that God is the one handing it to us or that Satan is butting in and playing with us like cheap toys for his amusement? 


I don't doubt my God,but seriously next time that kind of stuff ids gonna happen I gotta have an instruction manual,directions,pictograph,something. Feeling my way in the dark (and it was DARK) I'm not so sure I'm good with and may have came out of all that a stronger person,but with a new found phobia,Nyctophobia

Our first weekend

Its been a loud and raucous long weekend. We picked up the kids Thursday night since they had no school Friday. It was an interesting weekend,that admittedly I loved and missed ,but it has also been a year so it was a little bit of an adjustment. I had my doubts that I can handle it anymore ,,but they were just that ...doubts. This morning we had a surprise visit. The caseworker in charge of our case as well as the woman who does our home visits did a surprise visit. John and I kinda expected something like that to happen at some point this weekend. We sat in the kitchen ,talked for a bit about everything ..how the weekend has been,if I think I can handle them being back home full time,the upcoming MDT, everything.Then I took her on a tour of the house which met with her approval. So tonight we take them back to Kevin's for a week. Next Sunday they will be moving back home. I'm ready for this.

And ^^^^^^^^^^ thats why.

I love having the kids home.Its been entirely too silent in this house without them being here.

On the other hand,its been a year almost. I can honestly say Ive fallen "off the wagon" as far as being a full time mommy. It's something Ive got to get back into the swing of things with. Shouldn't be too hard I would imagine,I mean Ive done it for a little while now ,its just when you aren't having to do it everyday for almost a year a person gets out of practice I guess.

I am about to admit something that I never admit to. I'm scared. I'm terrified even. I'm scared of failing them or not being good enough any more.

someone worth dying for

As promised....NEWS

I guess I could just blurt it out ,tell you exactly what the news is,and stop everyone from guessing that I'm pregnant. Which NO I'm not. That would however kill the fun for me and well frankly,shorten my writing.....which would suck.

I know all of you love me for that right? 

Anyway, as many of you know this weekend will be the first overnight visit for the kids.They will be here from about 9 AM or so Friday ,since there is no school for veterans day,til 6 or so Sunday. They are overly excited to say the least. :)

 

Well I talked to them last night,was informed of some bad behaviors by a certain pre teen boy who's now been suspended from the bus for 2 days....and then was asked if they would be staying the school they are already in. I told them what I always tell them,which is I have no idea since I don't know for sure when you will be coming back home permanently. Ky then tells me , my ex husband told him they are coming home in like a week. I said What? The ex then gets on the phone,tells me the case worker came to their house and told them that if this weekend goes well ,then the kids would be home by the 20th. 

Well as I expected,the case worker called me today(hence why I said i needed conformation before telling the news) . She told me we had a MDT on the 15th at 230,and that if this weekend goes well,we will be doing a trial reunification beginning on the 20th of NOVEMBER. Not December like was originally planned. The kids would be back home by next week. Then as long as everything continues to go well ,in December when we go back to court they will be placed permanently back home with us.

So there is the big news.....confirmed,signed,sealed and delivered.

Now QUIT ASKING IF I'M KNOCKED UP DAMN IT!!! :P