Post Christmas

Well I survived Christmas. There were some tears,a bit of depression ,and admittedly it got bad for a bit but its over now. Im looking forward to the 6ths coming and going next.

I didnt really get much,but im ok with that. Its not about whats received, its about giving. The kids seemed to have loved what they got. John basically picked out what he got so ya know hes happy. Ky's presence was definitely noted as missing. I know i missed him being here. I hope his Christmas was ok where ever he was.The tree and decorations are already down and put away,waiting to be taken to storage.

Yet the depression lingers. Its worse this year then it has been in recent past. Im not entirely sure why but the darkness has returned. Its been a while since its been as bad as its slowly been getting. The overwhelming since of worthlessness, of self hatred,the lack of care about pretty much everything,its all come back hardcore.I did something tonight I didnt think I would ever do again.

I admitted it might be time for help. Im pretty sure Im loosing the grip I had on my mental health. Im not always the most sane, but some of the shit thats floated through my head lately has scared even me.John mentioned the "T" word (Therapist) ,which always works with me. I mean come on,Im always opening up about my feelings and thoughts to people, I never hold anything in ( said in TOTAL fucking sarcasm) .Most of the mental health drugs Ive tried have been a fucking joke too,but I dont know what else to do. I dont want to slip into old habits of self harm to attempt to grab ahold of things and I fear finding success where Ive (luckily) failed before.

I dont know what this means or whats going to happen,but I hope I survive it.