As of tomorrow morning I will be divorced for the second time.
I know alot of people never saw this coming and even more right now are reading this while shocked. Not many knew he and I even separated,much less filed for divorce. To say its been less then acrimonious, would be an understatement but we are trying to coexist for the time being. We did come to an agreement so that we were able to get the divorce done and over with. Its not been without issues,fights and ordeals.However,in the end it will all be worth it. I will be leaving mid August to start over,the girls and I. It will be new for us and there is alot of unknown in our immediate future,yet that's nothing we fear.
I keep ending up in my head and its hard to get out of sometimes. I worry about the future and how well I will do with the girls on my own. I'm not the most optimistic type of person, I'm more of a pessimistic type,the one who comes up with ever possible negative known to man that could happen. So its naturally messed with me quite a bit. I thought by now, I would have so much more stability and a decent life established not just for me but for the kids,yet here I am uprooting them and starting all over again. Despite knowing I'm doing this for all the right reasons, I still cant help but feel a bit like a disappointment over it. This is one of those times where I wish my Momma and Dad were still alive. Even if I would have had to listen to my dad give me shit (that was his way of dealing with negatives.....be an ass but make me laugh so I stop feeling down....I can almost hear him saying "you really need to quit picking dumb-asses and marrying them" ) and I could really use my mommas hugs right now (and possibly her chocolate chip cookies.....yes I know her recipe but cookies are always better when you don't have to make them yourself ).
I feel so overwhelmed by everything were doing,by the packing ,the move, the actual trip. I think that's why I keep dropping back into little space. I cant stand feeling so out of control and overwhelmed but in this instance, I don't have much of a choice. I don't regret it or whats going on at all,nor do I doubt that its the right thing. Its just alot of work by myself and its scary. Its alot of adulting and I'm not always the best at being an adult.
On the plus side, in the process of packing up my stuff I found my Night Fury stuffy again.
