As i sit here and reflect on the massive turmoil that catapulted me into vast and much needed changes over the course of the last 12 months, I cant help but smile.
At this point last year I was wallowing in self loathing,dripping with disdain for who i was with and lying to myself constantly to attempt at peace keeping. I survived the most horrid time of year for me with a bleak outlook on any "future" i had. Drowning in depression I saw very little hope of any form of an out ever. My self esteem was in a pit so deep that it might as well have been buried.
I spent my days and nights hanging out with the few people who did understand, made me laugh and would help to ease the hurt i was in .It was those people,that group that eventually led me to where I am now. Someone who was more of a friend by association ended up hanging around alot more,then he and i started talking alot even when not in game and with others.....
Which led to a crush,then a big mouthed sister saying something to him,him admitting it was a crush going both ways but my dumb ass never even considered that he would like me. No one likes me,not like that anyway,yet somehow he did. It wasn't long after that (and I mean minutes..) we were a thing. It became very serious,very committed ,fairly quickly but it was organic in its course. It was right,it happened naturally.
Eventually he found out how bad things were,how horrid my situation was. He heard things when my mic was on and i opened up alot to him.He heard me cry and he would play guitar to help calm me down or would just talk to me . Over a short period of time, we both realized how much more we meant to each other and how distance wasn't going to last. I was already taking the steps to finalize my situation and he was making the moves on his end to get us out here to him.
In August, we did it. I packed the van and drove off with the girls . Off to a new life, a new situation, a new world for us. We picked him up in Tennessee and from the moment I saw him it all clicked. This was right. I slept for the first time in years peacefully that night in his arms. I woke up rested and happy,smiling even though we still had a 3 day road trip ahead of us. It was something about him, about us that was just right. I worried I would be too touchy,cuddly, or physical ( I don't think Ive ever even admitted that to him ,even now)but I couldn't help it. There was something that happens when we touch. Even now, it still does. I cant adequately describe it,I just know its effective.
Were nearing the end of this year (and almost a full year as a couple ) and we've been through some hard shit already. We've came out the other side of it stronger as a unit ,knowing we will always have each others back if its needed.We've celebrated our first Christmas together,our birthdays together and will soon be each others first kiss for the new year.
As I think of that,there is only one other thought that crosses my mind:
I end this year in the arms of the man I will spend the rest of my years with and I cant imagine a better end to head into a new beginning.
<3
( My Song for Herby)
