So tired

I am so tired.
Not sleepy kinda tired,but physically,mentally and emotionally tired.
I'm in constant pain,medication isn't working at all hardly and I'm on some strong stuff. I've got surgery coming up that ends all ability at reproduction. I keep getting asked if I'm OK with it,if I'm handling it OK. I don't know. I don't have a choice really do I? I'm just tired. I've got court coming up. Kevin wants to end the support he doesn't pay and wants to try and take my son from me. I don't want to deal with him. He doest even call to talk to the kids are see how they are. Hasn't paid support to help with their care since April,even telling me to go fuck myself when I went to him to help with uniforms for the kids. I dont want to deal with this stuff. I'm just tired.I've got meetings to get Mya help.Doctor's appointments that are sure to follow,just to find out if something is wrong and to make our plans on how to address it. More people,more things to do,more descions to make.....Im so tired though. At some point I am to start physical therapy for my back and to make a plan on what to do about my back,more appointments and possibly more surgery....Im too tired just thinking about it.
I just want to sleep. Sleep through all of the courts,doc appointments,meetings,hell even the holidays and wake up on the other side of it with everything being just peachy.

It wont happen. It cant.

So Ill continue to move forward. Smile through the pain,wipe the tears and keep going. Toss it all deep down and keep marching.Its what I do and how it has to be done. Such is life right?

Maybe I can still squeeze in a nap though.

L

Its been awhile

My fears almost always are well placed.

I have court in a couple hours.....Modification of child support and an attempt to take my son from me. He had the papers for this and the accusations that my son claimed he wanted to live with him drawn up on June 26th. Conveniently the same day I wrote about my fears of them going up there.They weren't filed until about a month later,hence then September court date.He hasn't spoken to the kids in forever ,removed them from face book and hasn't paid child support since April......admits to not being employed but wants custody of my son while ending child support for the girls. Seriously....let that one sink in for a minute. Luckily for me,I think the judge has done an overview on the case and already sees through his bull. She gave me permission to participate by phone,and he has no idea.

And because when life goes screwy for me,it does it huge....

I have to have a hysterectomy soon. I go the 19th to schedule it and then go under the knife shortly after that. Ive also got an MRI scheduled for my back so we know wtf is going on there and just how much damage my first marriage did to me physically. There is a possibility for surgery there too,but we don't know anything for certain until the MRI happens. Really huge down side? Its a closed MRI. I'm not so good with confined spaces.Ill also have to start physical therapy soon. again,pending results of the MRI.

The dreams are happening again too.....and still really accurate as shown by the call I got last week.Me going for a run (voluntarily none the less) with my brother who's on the other side of the country......Then being woke up my Tequila playing on my phone.(his ring tone when he texts me). Then he calls me and we talk for a bit. Some news shared between us,some of which isn't my place to talk about at the moment. Alot of laughs shared,cuz that how we both react to stressful shit.And I haven't gotten a phone call from him since,so I'm holding on to the old saying of no news is good news. I still stand by him needing to bring his ass out here to visit me though.

:)

me

Inspiring ??? Me??????????

I was told this week i was an inspiration.

I argued that.How the hell am I an inspiration for anyone or anything? If anything I'm a perfectly bad example of everything not to do in life. Ive often found myself giving advice over and over again to people I love,advice I am usually right about because I already took the dumb ass route and don't want them to do it too. Ive been to some dark places in life,some shady places....done shit I'm not proud of and in many states wouldn't be legal. Ive done shit,been through shit the people who are closest to me don't even have a clue about.
I don't want people looking up to me as a source of inspiration or admiration. I'm not a good enough person for that.

Then it hit me....(again....i took the dumb ass route) Its too damn late for that. Ive got 4 kids who all look up to me,2 of which are girls who know not to follow in my foot steps but to take the alternate route from my paths. 2 boys who know not to be the men I had been with but to be the one I always wanted to be with.
I have those friends who come to me for advice ,a shoulder to cry on,or just some love because they have faith in me that I will say/do/know the right things.(I'm not entirely sure who is going down the dumb ass route with that one)

Being told that I gave someone the strength to get out when shit got bad or being told I am always right when it comes to things about love is odd yet makes me smile. I guess knowing that i can help ,even in the most minute way is what makes me happy.

Although I still say y'all are fools for thinking of me as inspiring,strong,brave or even slightly intelligent.....now the ones who think I'm insane.....well that's true.

Always the bad guy

I'm always the bad guy..... He doesn't pay child support,so the cell phone is off but I moved 700 miles away so I should keep it on anyway. He doesn't take the effort to video call,but I should have the kids try him everyday until he answers.He is offered the kids the entire summer....the day after school let out (in may) until the week before school goes back (august 1st) .....so he waits until the end of June (god forbid he does anything for their birthdays) and says he is getting them July 1st for 2 weeks.....then doesn't finalize any plans with me in writing so its my fault he didn't get them because I sent an email he didn't answer for 2 days?

Yep...I'm the bad guy.
My email to him: Note the day I sent it was June 30....2 days ago.....this isn't counting the one before it...which was sent last Sunday asking a question and waiting for a response.

Then there is his response from last night....at 3:00 AM roughly :

So I'm stopping him again....yea.

But even more fun....Hes not writing these himself. See they are well worded,spelled correctly and make sense. I have proof to show all of you my fantablous friends! Behold the only proof of the fact I'm pretty sure desperation and gullibility are never a reason to get married to and procreate with anyone. :

Seriously,How do you misspell "by"????

Shaking my head and kinda giggling,
Letha

Suddenly he cares?

So hes supposed to come get them Sunday for 2 weeks. I'm floating somewhere between terrified and depressed. Kinda pissed too.

He admits hes not working,but can gather the money to make the trip down here both ways (hes picking up and dropping off) yet cant gather money to pay child support each month to help take care of them. I mean the roughly 500 hes ordered to pay is alot less then what the cost of him driving both ways will. Why not use that money to send to your kids instead of a trip ? Its not like they had needs or anything *rolls eyes*

I'm terrified he wont bring them back.I don't trust him as far as I can throw him (which unless I'm SHE-HULK type pissed isn't too far) and his sudden interest in getting the kids makes me paranoid. Not to mention his sudden niceness in emails when on the vid chat the other day he had no problem talking trash about me in front of Mary. Of course I seriously doubt hes written a single one of the emails himself,they are well articulated and clearly written.....Not his forte.Not to mention the emails were forwarded to his email then sent to mine...

This will be the first time since I got them back they will be away from me for longer then 2 days....which wasn't even 2 full days 90% of the time. Now they will be 700 miles away for 2 weeks.......with an abusive prick......yea I'm holding on by a very think thread right now.

Being different.

I am a complicated,kinda mixed up girl. Im a blend of many constantly changing things. Ive always been the different one....the quite one....then odd one. I had different thoughts and beliefs from most I knew growing up.

I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone knew everyone. Hell I still talk to alot of kids I grew up with,fuckers Ive known since diapers,who have dirt on me noone else does....but I have it on them too. Still even alot of guys I grew up with (there were very few girls) didnt know how I "worked" when it came to my thoughts. They all knew me as the spoiled girl at 666 who could kick their asses in a street race on blades,would throw down in a heartbeat,played baseball,football,war and would then turn around and make them play barbies. I was the one who had a TV,VCR,Stereo all in my own room plus the surround sound system in the living room and basically had the house to hang at since there was no parents there. 

None of them or any of my family knew how I felt. Noone knew at 12 I started dating.....I had found myself attracted to girls and at 12 I began dating my first girlfriend. I always knew I was different. Boys were fun to play with but girls were almost much prettier. She and I were together for awhile,looking back it was pretty intense for a puppy love/preteen thing. We were together almost a year....Only splitting up cuz I moved back home.

Then I met my best friend,first day back into my old school. I walked into Art and was sat next to him.He immediately began to act (Im pretty sure it was an act) mildly retarded to make me laugh.He didnt have a clue I grew up here and knew almost everyone until the teacher came over and offered her condolences about my mom and said how much she missed her too. He finally introduced himself after class and we became pretty inseparable. 7th grade passed with us hanging around all the time in school....8th grade came and we joined and took over art club even. A mutual love for lion king kinda spawned a relationship that would form a good part of the rest of my life. I started to see him in a different light towards the end of 8th,but still wasnt on a romantic level. .....but I didnt see him any more as a guy....I just saw him for who he was. Freshman year came and we ended up within a few locker spots of each other and in a lot of classes together. It was about halfway through freshman year when he took a shot and asked me out.....He left history early cuz he had a game that day,stuck a note in my locker for me to get after class then waited the weekend for an answer. I told him no,I was scared it would kill our friendship. I couldnt tell him that I was confused by my own feelings for him. How before he came around the only people I found myself attracted to were female.How the only person I had ever dated was a girl. How the only guy to have ever ask me out,was him.We stayed friends.....always talking and being stupid in class.....At one point our history teacher stopped in the middle of class,looked at him and goes "would you just ask her out already?" He replied with "I did,she said no" teacher laughs and goes "keep trying" then went back to the shit he was teaching.

Freshman year ended with us being friends. We didnt really talk during the summer cuz I was busy tormenting family and the neighborhood. Then school went back and shit was never the same again.....week before my birthday was homecoming. I went with 2 of my best friends to the dance.It ended up being a group of 5 of us,3 girls and 2 guys (so many porns start like that...). My one friend decided I needed a boyfriend so she told the one guy with us how we would make such a good couple. He was tall and dark haired while I was short and blonde......From the outside we were a cute couple.....reality was....we had nothing in common even though he was sweet as hell. The day before my birthday Im hanging out with some of the neighborhood girls and they decide to dig through my school directory. They start pointing out names and shit asking if I know them,what they look like,ETC.... They get to the name of my best guy friend and I tell them who he is ,what happened the previous year everything.....so naturally.....one of them calls him and invites him over. He shows up then all of them get called in a little bit later.

So we go in the house and watch TV.....TV really is the downfall to everything for me....that and my damn hair/neck area.I sat on the floor,he laid on the couch. He brushed my hair away from my neck,I jumped and shivered Then had my first kiss from a guy....a guy who ended up giving me so much more. Espically the next day *giggles and winks* .He was my first kiss,first partner,first love and roughly 2 years after that day I had another first kiss,the first kiss I gave to my first born.

Ultimately he broke my heart,they all do right?

So completely long winded and need to bring this back to point ......

I am always changing it seems. Hair color,people,styles....Who i am attracted to ,who I cant stand. Its had its good times and its caused some pains in the ass. Ive made good choices due to it and some shit ones. It took me years of the good ,bad and ugly to get to where I am and to finally figure out my own head. 

Once I started dating asshole,I found the term bisexual.....It described me perfectly. I found a sense of peace. I wasnt completely lost anymore. I knew I liked boys and girls and now I knew what it was called. I was a bit happy to say the least. Then I moved on,started getting more serious about shit cuz I mean fuck I had kids now. I wasnt going to give up who I am and what I believed but there has to be a smarter,safer way to do it.....I discovered polyamory. I read everything I could about it.....and it felt right.....It was what I wanted. A full realtionship with both not just one or the other. Which wasnt the easiest thing when married to a twat waffle but thats not here nor there. Years passed,realtionships happened and failed,and I move on. I come across the term pansexual and found it to be much more close to how I feel it amazed me."Pansexuals have the capability of attraction to others regardless of their gender identity or biological sex." It fit perfectly! 

Its not been an easy path to self discovery,nor has it been one thats welcomed openly but it is who I is.Does this mean its the end of my journy? Fuck I hope not.....It took me years,but I like being the weird one. Ill be 32 this year. I walk around with pink or some other funky colored hair. I am pierced and tattoo'd (with more on the way) I get compliments on the funky hair (granted alot are from kids but I dont give a damn) I get told there is no way Im the age I am.....I think Ill be ok being weird ,different and always changing. 

Plus Im bipolar.....thats always an excuse too.

Mouthy twats and handsy bitches.

Anyone who knows me,knows I am a very open person. I don't hold anything back and don't hold much in.Unless I'm in serious pain..... If I'm broken physically,mentally or emotionally....you wont know unless you are someone who is very ,very close to me. I am not one to act out for attention. See I am actually a pretty fucking private person.....I hate people really.Part of it is probably due to severe social anxiety(OK most of it is due to that) but part of it is in fact triggered by ignorant ,self absorbed cunt bags who open their mouths as much as they open their legs. See,I do actually have legit issues....and a lengthy past of bad shit....but I don't tell people about it unless it directly affects my relationship with them simply because Why should they have to live with the nightmares of what Ive dealt with?

I guess my rambling point would be, I don't have a need to seek attention by things Ive chosen to post or say. I get plenty of attention from numerous people without having to even so much as physically embrace them. Hell there have been some whom,I never even met face to face who gave me plenty of loving attention. Perhaps if asked nicely I would give lessons on how to manage that so that maybe keeping hands to ones self would be easier for some people.

Jussayin.

Mothers Day and updating life

Tomorrow is a bittersweet day for me,not much unlike Christmas. Tomorrow is Mothers Day. As a mom its celebrated with gifts,half cooked food and hand made pictures. As a daughter its a glaring reminder of whats missing on this day. 21 years ago I lost her to fucking leukemia and its shaped alot of who I am today. Some of that's for the better and some not so much. Its still like it was just yesterday that I was pulled out of health class to make the car ride to Northwestern downtown to say goodbye to her before they took her off the machines. The last hug I got to give her.... The last one she gave me was 3 days prior....Sunday night before I left the hospital,before I went back to stay with my aunt. It was the last time I heard her voice,felt her touch or got to tell her I loved her. So tomorrow I get up,plaster a smile on my face for the kids and hide the hurt.

We've been here now for a few months and things are actually alot better here then Morgantown ever was. The kids have begun to thrive and blossom into awesome lil people. John is opening up and trying new things. Ive gotten more outgoing (sorta). Most fucked up thing? We have friends. Legit friends not just the kind who live in the little electronic boxes on my desk or on the entertainment center.

Now if I could only find a cheap babysitter so We could actually have adult time....that would be awesome.

so now he knows for sure

Despite me having told him several months ago,he called this morning and asked flat out when we were leaving. I said (in all truth) I have no idea. He said well I heard you were packing. I said we've been packing since October. He said yea and you have no idea when you are leaving? I said within a month. He went off about how I was supposed to get his permission,which I then corrected him on. Told him again,I am supposed to notify him and the court. Both of which had been done. He then went on about how hes going to fight it once he gets the papers,which I then said ok. He said you will have to come back I said yea for the court date if its after I leave. He said no they will make you move back,which I replied not if why Im leaving is for just cause,which it is. He then asked Why we were moving and I answered honestly. Which then led to even if we leave he wants jr.To which I replied (and honestly Im not a morning person,ha vent been sleeping well at all due to nightmares and this phone call is what I woke up to.) "too damn bad.Im not leaving him behind." He said " that's not what we talked about." To which I replied "No what I said was at the end of the school year we would discuss him living with you,if certain criteria had been met none of which have you even begun to do so yea its not happening." He goes "well then I guess Ill just get him next year ." (age of opinion in WV is 14 ) I pointed out "You do know how that works right? At 14 hes allowed to give his opinion in court that's it. Judge still decides whom is the better parent to take care of him" He goes " yea " I said "ok good then we both know Im not worried about it." Then he went into complaining about having to drive halfway.....then it went to letting them fly alone (yea 2 children with known mental issues one of whom is diagnosed ODD .....and none of them having flown before? NO) Then it went to how he wants his kids every other weekend not summer cuz he has to work . I replied with " You dont have people who can help?" He said "well yea but when they are here I want to see them" I said" you realize how summer works right? They are there when you get up,when you leave and oddly enough still there when you come back home from work...even still there on your days off....til school goes back."  I also reminded him of how Im leaving the phone a WV number to make sure he doesnt have to pay long distance,set up accounts on skype and ovoo for him to see the kids anytime and he is more then welcome to come down whenever he wants just to see them.

None of this is of course good enough,and he will still start shit with us. Which means either hes gonna go do the false accusations thing again and we will be stuck here for another 2 weeks or I leave before the week is out and deal with fall out when and if it happens.

needless to say....YAY motivation.

Still sick

seriously this parasite, disease,infection WTF ever it is needs to go already. I got shit to do and it is seriously interfering with my ability to taste food. As a fat chick....that is almost important right?

Anyway,I haven't really said much about what happened this past weekend at the ex's. Hes a douche. An even larger douche then I realized.

Who the hell would stand there and say nothing while their spouse talked to their daughter like she was trash? Thats not counting the guilt trips hes been throwing on them.

Someone please explain to me how "I cant get you guys I have to work this weekend." and "I wont see you guys anymore if you move. I have to work I cant get you in the summer." works with " You can come live with me. Tell your mom you want to"

How does that work? I mean seriously? You cant care for them or see them in the summer cuz you have to work but they can live with you ? ummmmm Am I the only one seeing a flaw in logic there?

Add to that him missing the fact Mary has been making fun of him to his face since he said the shit about Charity and about how John needs a "real mans job" And it honestly makes me question just how fucked in the head I was at 17.

O and get this...I need his permission to leave.

Apparently the world revolves around him and/or hes my father?

Yea so fuck that. The steps for me to leave is give notification to him,give notification to the court and get the fuck on......

Told him in October we were moving.
so that was roughly 4 months ago give or take.....

Gave notice to the courts awhile back now.....
so that steps done.

now its just a matter of getting gone.
Hurry the hell up Thursday! :P

Another weekend down

So three of the 4 are home....all are filthy,all are hungry,Mary has a rash on the back of her neck that resembles prickly heat but itches her like crazy,Mya is clingy and Jr was oddly unaffected by kevin dropping them off early.

Its still fairly quite in the house. Its scary. I'm waiting for the huge blow up or something to happen. Granted the kids found out this weekend how big of a douche he really is. Between him being 500 behind on Child support but having a new phone,still not having a place of his own,and telling them they couldn't come over last weekend due to him having to work yet gets them this weekend yet still working all weekend long. They saw first hand his lies  and felt the hurt from them.

Then there was the whole thing about Mary having to sit there while her step monster....err mother rather rattled on a list of things as to why Jewel (Marys step sister) hates her. This was done in front of Mary,in front of Jewel and in front of Kevin who didn't say shit but allowed it to happen.

I'm beyond sick of it all. The video....the recordings....the texts....the emails....its about time I think for them to all become public knowledge. Ive continued to pray for that boy,to soften his heart for him to open his eyes to the damage he is doing and has done. For him to get to the point of needing forgiveness.

I should have been praying for strength to not do him physical harm. John saved him once from my wrath after he hurt my little girl.....now the ex's cum bucket is gonna talk shit to my very emotionally and mentally fragile baby doll? How about a o hell no on that one. 

Fuck that noise. Shit ain't happening.

Now  y'all can see why the fuck I am getting these kids the fuck away from him.

Im friggin sick dang it.

I feel like shit.

Im so sick its not even funny. Ever tried to pack/clean/take care of kids/teach/plan a valentines party for 30 3rd graders all the while stressing over a huge move/taxes/your ex husband and feeling like you are dying at a painfully slow rate from the worlds worst sore throat/flu?

From experience, I don't recommend it. Just sayin....It sucks a huge floppy donkey dick. In the meantime, John and I sorta celebrated v-day early since he will most likely work on Thursday and after Monkey's party Ill be exhausted anyway (seriously 30 mins of  party with 30 3rd graders is enough to make me want to never have kids.....something I sorta failed on.) . We had a weekend without the kids,first time in well over a year no one was home and John had a night off. So we we out on what I affectionately referred to as a "Hot white trash date". Chinese buffet for dinner then went to Walmart . LoL.

So that was my Friday......after the ex asshat got the kids anyway. Ky went to his best friends house for the weekend......like pretty much every weekend/no school day/some school days since the impending move was announced. Ky having to leave his best friend is the only real regret both John and I have about the move,there really isnt anything else here for us anymore ya know?

Saturday was kinda boring. I was sick.exhausted so I spent the majority of the day in bed. Finally got up and moved about 330 then went and got foods for dinners. Grabbed a redbox movie then curled up on the couch and watched Dark Knight Rises with John. In the process of watching it,about 1030 last night my phone goes off in text messages. Thinking its probably family making sure Im still alive since I hadnt really been on facebook....I checked it to find it to be the ex.

"Any Idea when u pickin up kids tomorrow"
Im thinking really? Dude you have had them for barely 24 hours and this is already happening? *rolls eyes* I respond with " John has to work,I have the flu so Not sure yet. Why whats up?"
He responds with "well you have to pick them up I got them friday"
I reply with "I know that. I just dont know what time John gets off work yet.we will get them after he gets off"

I so feel like warmed over dragon shit,so dealing with him is not something I really want,but ugh. He refuses to die or wander off like all the other good little deadbeats do. Dealing with Jr isnt something I really want to do either as he is always so filled with Anger when he comes home......

Heres hoping to my survival.

Psalm 21 and prayers.

After reading a status on Facebook that hit home for me,I chose to follow suit as I can use it right now. Psalm 21 personalized for me.

Our Lord, Your mighty power

makes me glad, and I celebrate victories 

that You have given me.

You did what I wanted most

and never told me “No.”

You truly blessed me,

and you placed on me

a crown of finest gold.

I asked to live a long time,

and You promised me life

that never ends.

I am highly honored.

You have let me win victories

that have made me famous.

You have given me blessings

that will last forever,

and You have made me glad

by being so near to me.

Lord Most High,

I trust you,

and Your kindness

keeps me from defeat.

With Your mighty arm, Lord,

You will strike down

my hateful enemy.

He will be destroyed by fire

once You are here,

and because of Your anger,

flames will swallow him.

You will wipe him

from the earth,

and he will disappear.

All his plans to harm me

will come to nothing.

You will make him run away

by shooting Your arrows

at his face.

Show Your strength, Lord,

so that I may sing

and praise Your power. (CEV)

As most of you know by now,we are in the process of relocating down south soon. My ex isnt a supporter of this. He hasnt started real issues with it yet, but Im expecting them anytime after tomorrow. He gets the kids tomorrow night for the weekend.

I am continuing to pray for him and for his heart to soften. I pray he lets go of the hatred he harbors and realizes I hold no ill will towards him. I forgive him for all hes done to me and will do to me. There really isnt enough room in my heart to hold on to such harmful emotions as hatred for him. Ive accepted what he has done to me and forgiven him,despite knowing he will never apologize for what hes done. I know that for a fact,simply because when I reveled I had to leave my job to fight for disability due to back injuries that were caused by him his response was "well thats what you get". I pray one day he seeks forgiveness for all the pain and hurt he has caused,not from me but from the only one who truly can forgive him for the pain he has caused.

Please continue to pray our money gets here soon so we can leave and for Kevin to accept it without issue.

To Forgive......

but never forget.

Ive been doing alot of praying and introspection about things. Alot has been going on and changing in our lives recently and its caused it.

Ive prayed about the move,if it was the right or wrong thing,where we should be,what I should do about the kid situation and about how to deal with Kevin.

I know where we need to be,where we are supposed to be and even how we will get there (eventually since the US government makes the time schedules).

I know that while Kevin is pressuring me to give him Jr it isn't the right thing for him. I know that while Jr wants to live with Kevin he isn't mature enough to understand what that means or the ramifications of it. He is 12 but not mentally understanding whats going on due to his delays. He still thinks he can just come see me on the weekends and live with Kevin during the week. He isn't grasping that he wouldn't see me until summer. He goes back and forth between his love for Georgia (even wants to play for the Dawgs when he grows up which is a HUGE change from a die hard mountaineer fan) and wanting to live there and his love for his dad. Its confusing for a normal boy who's only 12 much less a boy with special needs and a history that includes PTSD.

I know how to deal with Kevin.
I have to honestly pray for him. I have to forgive him for all that he is done to me and that he has yet to do to me. I have to forgive him for his trespasses as God has forgiven me. I will pray for God to soften his heart and his eyes to see that I am not doing this for any negative reasons. I pray he can see that I am doing what is best for the kids.

I know this move is going to cause a battle. I know it will be a fight. I am fairly positive I will get called things that aren't exactly my name.

And I will smile,nod and pray.

Its not my battle to fight alone and I wont.

Adoption and idiots

Today was the court date for Kyles adoption. Everything went smoothly,the ex didn't even show up and now John is a "new" father. Says hes happy to be a Dad....really happy to have missed the diaper stage . : )

about 5 or so my phone started going off with texts from Kevin. Asking "well how did court go?" To which I replied " went great you are not the father."  Then he went on to wanting Jr again. Said he gave me Kyle so I need to give him Jr and he said we can share the girls (yay for him allowing me to share my girls with him.... *rolls eyes*) Because Im a glutton for punishment (and possibly mildly brain damaged) I admittedly goaded him a bit at this point. I said "well i want my girls,in Ga with me without issues from you" He went off on a tangent completely opposite from the fight he gave me yesterday. "the only way that would happened if the girls tell thqt they go to Georgia without be influenced by u or john as well as jr living with me" he said.....and sadly that is a typed out verbatim copy of his reply. It physically caused me pain to type that....jussayin. I pointed out that was not what he said previously ,which lead to another small rant of " well if they dont tell me they arent going."

Its cute. He thinks he has a choice.

Ive been down this route. I know the rules,what has to be done,where the burden of proof lies....all that stuff. Meanwhile he is only worried about how fast he cant get kyle off his child support order. Which for the record isnt until the official court order is released with Kyles new name on it. roughly 2 weeks.......but Im supposed to have that done today,and the order amount changed now. At least thats what he says.

*walks away muttering something about "simple people" while shaking her head*

PS How many of you have family who are not related by blood? Personally, I have kids who arent biologically mine yet call me mom,sisters and brothers who have no genetic link to me yet may as well have,people in my life and my kids lives for no reason other then a link of love a bond forged in some deep rooted connection that led us to create a family tie. If that twat rocket tells me one more time that Charity,Dad,Gimps or anyone else in Johns family isnt family I will not be responsible for any and all blood shed I create. So start raising bail money,cuz something tells me he will again. He didnt ride the short bus. He tried to get on,missed the step,fell cracked his helmet broke his drool cup,messed his diaper then got ran over backwards by it.

Old and new paths converge

Where to begin?

Its been a hellish 2 weeks. I lost the only sister I spoke to a regular basis on the 18th. She fought hard and battled Cystic fibrosis since birth,finally saying her final see you later almost 2 weeks ago. I ,along with so many others,already miss her terribly. There wasnt many who could be on the same wave length as me and give John as much crap as I do,yet Charity always did. She had no hesitations on calling him on his bullshit without blinking an eye,down to and including her immediate dislike of me when she found out about me 8 years ago.

See when John and I met we were both still technically married. Charity didnt approve at all. Fast forward several years,I married her brother and then "Grafton" happened. Charity and I had grown to a point of semi toleration up until that point. At that point I finally saw that fierce side of Charity and she saw it in me. We found ourselves having grown closer and she grew an intense and immedate hatred of my ex husband. It was a well earned hatred,just how well we hadnt known yet.

Charity called John one afternoon,said "I dont want to talk to you where's your wife?" . He handed me the phone and Im thinking " shit someone about to get hurt." See the majority of conversations between me and Charity were in messages via text/facebook. Typically phone calls only meant that someone needed an asswhipping. I get on the phone and see whats up. She asked how the kids were doing,how john was and then goes " So I got a question for you....from one bi chick to another,would you fuck a tranny?" to which I replied the only logical reply there is ...." Of course. Its the best of both worlds."  Charity laughed and said "Thats what Im sayin" talked for a few more minutes then said see ya later. 

That was only about a week or so before she went into the hospital. It was the last time I ever got to talk to her on the phone,but not the last time I spoke to her. She spent alot of time struggling and fighting but in typical Charity style came back out of it to take care of business. She was barely out of the hospital when I got a message from her. She asked me " So what does it take to get you guys back down here?" I told her money and a place to stay. She said "well what about for a longer time?" I said "couple pieces of paper that shows why we are moving and that its for a good reason" She said" Then go get those papers,fill them out and put it that you have to come down to help provide in home care for your disabled sister" I said ok then got the papers and printed them out.

Then the 17th happened.And by the 19th we were in the truck heading down to Savannah to say our final see you later to her.

On the 21st I sent a text to my ex to let him know what happened and that the kids might miss the weekend with him. A huge snow storm devloped after we left WV making it not only impossible but dangerous to drive through. Kevin decided to show just how much of an awesome Christian he is at that point (and trully did earn all the aformentioned hatred) by saying "I dont give a shit who died the kids better be there on Friday for the visit" , "Its not like she can hear them anyway" and my personal favorite "Shes not even their family. None of Johns family are family to my kids".

I responded several times,never once taking the bait,keeping my temper in check mostly but it went on for almost 45 minutes. Eventually John grabbed the kindle and responded which in and of itself was kinda funny since he was told by kevin to get a "real mans" job. 

Can I just point out something real quick? This is the same fuck knuckle who was ordered for 6 years to pay 200 a month in child support couldn't even keep up with that,got almost 2 years without paying any support then threw a major temper tantrum when the state took him back for an increase in support. They bumped it to 495 a month and the melt down began. He immediately disowned Kyle,begged for me to start the process to remove his rights and then still cant stay current on support. Meanwhile, John has worked his ass off to take care of these demon spawns since the jackass I reproduced with is too much of a fucking twat rocket to even cover their basic needs without crying like a simpering little cunt. 

See Kevin called today to throw a huge fit with me after Mary ripped into him for the text messages about her Aunt Charity. Anyone who has ever spoken to,met or even looked at Mary can attest to her being her Mothers daughter. So I get on the phone listen to him whine like a bitch about letting her read the messages and what not ,then I stop him and begin my own diatribe. I point out that I have nothing to hide from the kids so it doesn't bother me if they see those things not to mention it eliminates any of the he said she said shit. Which then led him into the whole Non family thing which I will spare everyone from making a long blog an even longer one and just say this ....He has his thoughts,I have mine,I will continue to guide and teach the kids as I see it to be right for my household. which is a summation of what was said to him (just with smaller words) He then switched gears again to Jr's disability check and my finances. To which I basically told him Jr's check is based on need and its not as large as he seems to think. Which then led him on to what I use the child support for.....See he thinks I'm wrong for using part of it to pay for time on my cell phone....The cell phone I keep on so he has a way to speak to the kids on the rare occasions he decides to call them.I pointed out how I typically use the child support to pay 1/2 of Marys school bill each month with John covering the other half. I then pointed out since he chose not to pay support this month,John covered Mary's full school bill this month.Which then pissed him off again,and he switched gears again. He went to my moving and him wanting Jr. I made it a point to make him specify. He stated " I wont contest you moving if you give me Jr." None of the other kids or anything. 

Yea so I'm the bad parent right? I would never choose one child over the other. No matter how much they annoy the fuck out of me,which is admittedly alot.

O and he flat out stated he will not keep Jr on meds cuz there is  "nothing wrong with him"  Last I checked ,Kevin works in the coal mines,n a non union job,barely making ends meet cuz they wont give him hours. He has never gotten a college degree in medicine,psychology,or even behavioral management. Hell he barely "past" his GED a couple months ago. So I mean I could be wrong,but Im not. Im pretty sure if a Doctor who has spent more time with the boy then Kevin has says something is wrong,then Im sure there is.

fucking moron.

"Adam and Eve Not Adam And Steve" and other stupid shit

Im so sick and tired of my ex damaging the impressionable brains of my demented children.Everytime he gets them its another anti gay rhetoric thrown at them. When Kyle was still going over there it was "If you grow up and be gay Ill beat your ass until you go straight again"  Now with Jr its "God made adam and eve not adam and steve." And most recetly Mary has been his target. He looked at her and told her if she grew up and liked girls he would disown her and have nothing to do with her ever again. Mary has moments where you can almost physically see the transformation in her from 1/2 Connor to full Connor.....See when he said that to her she looked at him ,without missing a beat and said " Last I checked you are only my dad here on earth and I love you but your judgement of me doesnt matter. Only one Man can judge me and that is not you. Plus Jesus had 2 dads and you worship him an awful lot dont you?"

She may be a mouth brat,but Ill be damned if I dont love the shit out of her rotten ass.

I guess my issue with him being this way is well a rather simple one. See when I met/married him forever ago he had a best friend/boss who he was rather close to. Over the course of my marriage to him,this boss/friend had bought him 4 different cell phones, got him an apartment that was well out of any price range I have ever known him to afford,gave him cash numerous times,bought him a fully pedigreed Shiba Inu and took him every Monday night to dinner and a movie....just the 2 of them....I wasn't allowed to ever go.
Thats not counting the fact the ex was married to a openly bisexual woman,something he never had an issue with at that time.So the all new hatred of Gay people I dont get. Hell I can remember when I first left him one of the first times he tried to fight with me at court none the less,he screamed at me about how I "promised if I ever left him I would be a lesbian" which I pointed out was not what I said. I in fact actually had said was after having been with him so long I was pretty much a lesbian. Its not my fault if John changed that....sorta....I mean John is the biggest lesbian I know :P




Saying "If God wanted to create Adam & Steve he would have made it possible for men to get pregnant" is about as intelligent as saying "If God had wanted there to be vegetarians he wouldn't have made animals out of meat"

deja vu otherwise known as he better not even think it

So kids went to douche bags house for the night. House was quiet for the most part other then Ky's constant running of netflix and then gears of war when John got home. Which meant I knew today was gonna be a "great" day.(Did ya grab the sarcasm there?)

First I wake up to a text message of  " I be droppin them off at 4" to which i respond fine....despite him knowing I was supposed to go to a baby shower  today at 3. so 5 til 4 I get another text saying,"are u gon b there" (these are verbatim folks) I said yes,how else would the kids get in the house?

He then shows up,spends 20 mins sitting in front of my house in the middle of the road,doing this same huge scene to get the kids riled up before he leaves as he always does. He finally leaves,after having jr come in and get themp3 player he got him for Christmas so he could take it back,and then the attitudes have begun!

Well the attitude I should say. Oddly enough once he pulled away Mary's attitude left with him and she was very clingy. Mya was her normal self. Jr on the other hand was going out of his way to push as many buttons and start as many fights as he can. It pissed him off even more when it wasn't working.

So,you ask ,Lee.....da fuq is the title about? Well let me tell you :)

See 2 years ago I went through hell that resulted in my loosing the kids temporarily,them living with Kevin,being abused by Kevin and me fighting tooth and fucking nail to get them back. During all of this,I managed to do what you aren't supposed to be able to do and found out who called CPS and started the whole damn thing.

Flash forward to tonight. Kids are home and as usual I asked how their weekend was and if they had fun. Well lo and behold I get told they went to visit Mrs. S. I amazingly held my tongue. See Mrs. S is the cunt bag who started the whole thing. She is a douche nozzle who made that first call told a shit ton of lies to make it happen and then continued to try and placate me and pretend to be our friend/care about us.Knowing the entire time she was being a sneaky conniving twat waffle. Now I find out he is back to talking to her and taking the kids to see her and shit. O hell no.
I will straight cut the bitch if she tries this shit again. I expected some new failing attempt from him to start shit,since I told him the other night i wasn't fighting with him and yet he continued to try. I didn't expect him to bring her back into it. I guess though after he was unable to find Melissa,whom he has an apparently unhealthy obsession with as he asks the kids if they have seen her each time he sees them, Mrs. S would be the next step in trying to start shit.

I'm not worried. Maybe I should be,but I'm not. See one other thing the kids told me,that really did reaffirm my faith even stronger......

The church her and her husband built.......yea its no longer.  They sold the property and the house/church on it.

The Lord took his time,but he did say vengeance is his for those who hurt his children.

*smiles*

Trying days and long nights

So the big overhaul of life still in full swing.
RFL has gotten off to a good start thankfully :) The kids have taken and ran with it begging for donations. Use what ya got right?

Tomorrow not looking like a good day,but Im hoping Im wrong. I have a DR appointment in the morning. Im having them start more bloodwork and what not to try and explain the random sleepy times Ive been dealing with ,my back refusing to not hurt and well just everything in general. Headaches are annoying as hell too.

While I hate getting stabbed and God knows while I want to know whats wrong I dont wanna know whats wrong, I am more dreading tomorrow night then anything else. See the ex called tonight. phone rang at 9 pm,I answer and he goes " Hey are the kids in bed?" my response?" Yea its 9 pm man." He goes " alright well can I get them tomorrow night at 6? I want to take them to dinner."  My intial thoughts are great....there goes any hope of a peaceful weekend.....hes ditching them. So I ask "Not getting them Friday?" He replies with " no im still getting them this weekend I just want to take them to dinner and stuff. Ill bring them home around 8 or so after we eat." I said " alright thats fine,no biggie " and hung up.

Then my brain started.....Why the hell would he want them the day before hes supposed to get them for the entire weekend,just for dinner? We all know hes not that kind of guy who just wants to be involved all that way with the kids.....hell he sees them twice a month,despite court order saying every weekend,doesnt even pay his full child support and doesnt even bother to call them during the week when he doesnt see them. So why does he want them on a school night for them a work night for him for a few hours for dinner?

Then it clicked.....hes up to something....something thats going to effect us in some big way.

Do a little digging and Ill be damned, *gasp* Im right.

Hes getting them to let them know the sex of the new baby......
Now why would this matter or effect our home?

Well small trip dpwn memory lane real quick....See back at the end of september/beginning of october he made the announcement on Facebook that he and his wife were expecting a new baby. Mary saw this and it began her downward spirial. That same night she attempted suicide for the first time. It was bad,thankfully i was here and shortly there after she was hospitalized for a little while.

Since then Mary has been under a Doctors care and in therapy ,but has repeatedly said she doesnt want him to have any more kids, especially if they are girls. He (again) barely sees/speaks to the 3 here and Mary already felt replaced when he had his youngest with the wife. Now tomorrow they are going to this dinner with him and are going to be told they are having another little sister.

I fear her reaction,her heartbreak,her anger honestly.

I worry for her and her sanity.

Letha

Long time no speak

Its been awhile since I have posted anything....I guess i kinda fail huh?

So new year,2013, and time for some new and good for us. 2010-2012 kinda was crap to say the very least with slight glimpses of light among the numerous storms.

So far this year Ive managed to not get sick (knock on wood) ,get a few smaller boxes packed,start  a relay for life team for RFL in May,watched the Dawgs win their bowl game and thats about it.....Starting tomorrow that all changes. (ok well it sorted started tonight)

Im going to spend the day reevaluating,organizing,cleaning and tossing things we dont need or arent using. If they are usable by someone else,then Ill box them up send a few messages out and get it gone from my house. We have way to much crap in this 3 bedroom townhouse and its getting claustrophobic. Not to mention once the move happens,less crap = more awesome.

I will be going through my closet even *gasp in shock* I guess i can give john a little room for his stuff in there since Ive stolen like 2 of his dresser drawers too now....
AND cuz im either awesome or seriously deranged,I will be doing all of this while homeschooling Mary and implementing a new chore system.

Pretty much positive its the deranged part.

Heres to a new year and me not failing on well,everything including writing.

Letha