Post Christmas

Well I survived Christmas. There were some tears,a bit of depression ,and admittedly it got bad for a bit but its over now. Im looking forward to the 6ths coming and going next.

I didnt really get much,but im ok with that. Its not about whats received, its about giving. The kids seemed to have loved what they got. John basically picked out what he got so ya know hes happy. Ky's presence was definitely noted as missing. I know i missed him being here. I hope his Christmas was ok where ever he was.The tree and decorations are already down and put away,waiting to be taken to storage.

Yet the depression lingers. Its worse this year then it has been in recent past. Im not entirely sure why but the darkness has returned. Its been a while since its been as bad as its slowly been getting. The overwhelming since of worthlessness, of self hatred,the lack of care about pretty much everything,its all come back hardcore.I did something tonight I didnt think I would ever do again.

I admitted it might be time for help. Im pretty sure Im loosing the grip I had on my mental health. Im not always the most sane, but some of the shit thats floated through my head lately has scared even me.John mentioned the "T" word (Therapist) ,which always works with me. I mean come on,Im always opening up about my feelings and thoughts to people, I never hold anything in ( said in TOTAL fucking sarcasm) .Most of the mental health drugs Ive tried have been a fucking joke too,but I dont know what else to do. I dont want to slip into old habits of self harm to attempt to grab ahold of things and I fear finding success where Ive (luckily) failed before.

I dont know what this means or whats going to happen,but I hope I survive it.

My Dad

I know by now I should be a little more adjusted to him being gone,but I'm not. He was my Dad for fucks sake. My idol,my biggest supporter,my Daddy. If I even mentioned something I was interested in,he would take me to try it and if I was good you can be damn sure he threw his full support into it.

Roller blading? Top of the line speed skates then would laugh when I would out run all the boys on their bikes on my skates. Hockey? Gives me ice skates and says I have to learn that first. 2 hours later back at the sports store buying my hockey gear after watching me take to the ice like a fish to water. Photography? Buys me a disposable camera and drives me to Irish hills Michigan to take pictures. Gets them developed and shows them to one of his friends who is a professional photographer. She asks what rig hes using to get such awesome shots,he proceeds to tell her his 14 year old daughter did it with a throw away camera, she tells him what to go buy me and he does. Music? Yea,my vast knowledge and love of all genres (including my weird ability to name songs as fast as I do which is why no one will play me in song pop anymore) all from him and was something he nurtured by making sure I had the best stereo equipment and set up to go with it. My love for reading and skill at writing? He bought me the complete collection of works of Shakespeare,Stephen King and several variations of religious scripts.He encouraged me to read,be full of knowledge and to challenge the norm despite him being devotedly Christian.He knew I was different and loved me the same.

This is the man who despite growing up in a time where races did not mix,welcomed his biracial grandchild with open arms and bought him anything he could ever need. This is the man who despite growing up with the belief that gay was disgusting,literally had the response of "Why do I give a shit who you are fucking" when I came out to him as bisexual. This is the man who I got my sense of humor from (yes even how twisted it is ) as well as my smart mouth (although even he would say mine was a little faster then his).In a lot of ways he was my hero,but much more importantly; he was My Dad

PS~Im a firm believer that loved ones can send you little messages from beyond,*points at the bottom picture of the page views*

I got yours ya old fart. ;)

Blah.

The closer it gets to Christmas the worse I get. Ive neglected things like my writing,ive barely been interacting with the few friends I have and Ive been sleeping.....ALOT. Its a little worse this year then it has been in the recent past, not really sure as to why other then Ive been battling a Fibro Flare for about 2 weeks now.

Its pretty bad though. I dont want to do anything,I dont leave the house really,Ive stopped writing,hell Ive stopped reading. I just dont really have a desire to do anything lately and being alone all the time isnt really helping that. I know I am feeling alot of resentment towards certain people who promised I wouldnt be going through this alone this year. Though I dont know why Im feeling resentment, Im the idiot who believed them when I knew everyone always leaves me. Hell I even said that when he told me he would be there for me.

Thats not what this is about though. Here in 3 days,Ill be a mess. Its already bad before I get to that day I can only imagine how much worse it will be on the 23rd. At least I was lucky enough to get a few laughs and smiles today.Until next time.

Bah humbug and all that shit

Not everyone knows why I hate Christmas,though everyone who knows me knows I do in fact detest Christmas with unbridled passion.

I used to love Christmas. I was a mommy's and Daddys girl and the baby in the family. I was a rather spoiled girl on the holidays. Even when momma got sick,she went out of her way to still help spoil me. She made Dad hunt all over for the right stereo ,the perfect airbrush set up, and beauty and the beast on video. The last one was the hardest for him ,since it was sold out everywhere. A week before Christmas she sent her nurse to a store ( I legit have no idea which one since it was downtown Chicago) to buy a copy of it and even threatened that nurse about what would happen if she came back without it. ( Sick or not, pissing off a southern woman is never a bright idea. She will beat your ass and you will end up thanking her for it after wards) The nurse did not fail and that weekend when I came up to the hospital to visit we celebrated Christmas. Little did anyone know ,it would be her last. January 6th,a little over a week later, I was pulled out of school to go say good bye to my mom. I was 11.

That would be enough to make anyone dislike Christmas right? Flash forward some years later, I'm grown (physically anyway) with 4 kids and a brand new husband (we got married in September) . I logged into myspace ( remember when that was still a huge thing) and had a message from my brother in law that my sister is trying to get ahold of me. I didn't think much of it, It was 3 days before Christmas I figured maybe she wanted to say hi to the demon spawn before they go to the ex's for the holiday. I guess I should insert at this point, I don't talk to my siblings much. Typically holiday phone calls (or as of the last few years, texts) and that's about it.

I'm sitting at my computer ,grab the phone and call her.She immediately picks up the phone and asks if I'm sitting down. I said yea, I'm fat its sorta what I excel at. She responds with "Dad's gone" to which I reply "to got see Betty and them again?" It didn't immediately click for me what she meant,despite knowing my Daddy was well up there in age ( I was the WTF happened baby. They had 3 kids,mom got fixed then 10 years later I showed up cuz her getting fixed didn't stick) She said "No, he had a brain aneurysm and a massive heart attack. They aren't sure which happened first without the autopsy being complete.George (the next door neighbor ) found him when he stopped by Your voice mail was the last thing he heard ,he still had the message open on his pc where he was telling his friends his baby just got married."  I sat back in my chair,I guess I had some kind of look or something on my face cuz John turned around from whatever he was doing in WOW and said whats wrong. I waved him away because I knew if I said it,I would loose it. I finished talking to my sister ,getting whatever details I could,then hung up. I looked over at John ,who was still staring at me, and told him "The headaches were more then just headaches and his heart said fuck you again".I broke down at that point. My Daddy was gone and it was 3 days before Christmas.

So try to understand when I spend most of the holiday in some form of inebriated state,battling the sadness in ways that are alot cheaper then most prescription medications, that its a really hard time of year for me. Im naturally chemically imbalanced and the holiday season makes it even worse. Yes I toss on a bullshit smile,bake,cook,decorate and make memories but its for the kids. I can look back at my childhood and remember all those awesome times (like mom getting drunk after dad made her one rum and coke and her trying to play mall madness with me. BTW that game is SOOOO much more fun when you have a drunken southern woman yelling at the bank to give her her damn money) and I want the kids to be able to do that too. Although it would take alot more then one drink for me(yay for dads genetics)

Days 24-28

Day 24~PHOTO~

Im thankful for this pic cuz I see the happy old man I was lucky enough to call my Dad,in his element ,surrounded by his grandbabies

Im thankful for this picture because I not only can see the beautiful smile of a mommy who was lost not very long after this but the joy of a grandma who was holding her grand daughter.

Day 25~ LUXURY~I have access to clean water,good food,and a mostly loving family. Not everyone else has those luxuries and I am thankful for the ones I have

Day 26 ~CHARITY~ The Charity I am most thankful for I lost a few years ago when her battle with CF was done. However she helped to push a need to help within her brother and I. Some of the Charities weve helped/worked with/donated to  since have been the CF foundation, Almost all of the AKF campaigns, American Cancer Society, St Jude, and several others.

Day 27 ~SONG~ There are so many songs that have memories attached to them since music is so huge in my life. Im just thankful for music in general.

Day 28~ GIFT~ Im not really huge on gifts, getting them anyway. I think the gift Im most grateful for that Ive ever recieved was a somewhat surprise. A friend of my dads found out I have next to no pictures of him,so she gathered up hers, made copies and mailed them to me with a note and a card of condolence.I got it the night I got back from dropping off the kids to the ex and it was something I needed without knowing I needed it.

30 days of thankfulness ~days 22 and 23

Day 22 ~BOOK~ God there are so many Ive read. I would have to say most anything written by Stephen King as I read most of them while very young (2nd/3rd grade beginning with "The Stand") and Im pretty sure they had a rather large impact on forming who I am as a adult.Which makes even more sense if youve ever read "Misery" or "Delores Claiborne".

Day 23~ FEELING~ I dont know if I can say Im thankful for any feelings. Most of them suck. As someone who is bipolar with severe depressive episodes, I can honestly say I really am not a huge fan of feelings.I am thankful for those rare times where I am able to smile and for those very few who have caused those smiles.I had almost an entire year of smiles ,that started to disappear more towards the end but then recently Ive been lucky enough to have had smiles ,giggles and laughs come back on a semi regular basis. Its nice and its something I am very thankful for.

What the fuck......

I know Im typically a rather reserved and quite person (quit fucking laughing) but I found out more bullshit today in regards to an ex.

Why the fuck would you purposely and knowingly go to a club owned by your ex whom you havent spoken to since the split? Even more so when you have done nothing but be negative in regards to one of the 2 ex's that run the club. Why would you purposely seek out those places? I dont wanna hear "well maybe she didnt know" The person she showed up with is one of the hubby's regulars.She knew.

Ive kept quite about alot of the shit that went on,but this kinda set me off. I cant help but wonder if her husband even knows she purposely looked for her ex boyfriends male strip club.

Its bad enough she hurt me.Its bad enough shes still clinging on to that "bisexual" title but used the excuse of "religious guilt" as her reason for wanting to break up without actually saying she wanted the break up, she naturally left it on me to read between the lines of what she was saying..Maybe its just me, but if you are feeling guilty ,via your "Christianity",over your "sexuality" then why would you still claim it. I mean if the guilt was real, you would no longer act on it right? So then why if have it in your profile? Oh thats right....Attention.God forbid you dont have all the attention on you.

Here's the thing, I hate to be the barer of bad news but you can show up all you want at Rogue. Hell show up when Im there....Fuck apply to be a DJ there.You are a non fucking factor. All the attraction that was once there, is honestly gone.To be 100% truthful,looking back, Im not even completely sure how much was an actual attraction to you and how much was just given to you due to the bond and attraction I had to your other half.

That being said, I did consider you a friend. I opened up to you in alot of ways I normally dont, at least not to many. I did mourn the loss of that friendship. It hurt like hell not hearing from either of you during or after the hurricane hit us despite at that time we were supposed to still be "friends" and I texted you both much like I did everyone else to let them know we were safe. I was even upset slightly on my birthday when I didnt hear from either of you, though I didnt expect it anyway.

I think thats why everyone waited for me to break like I did the first time you caused a split between me and him,yet this time it never happened. Sure I shed a few tears,but nothing like the first time. There have been glimpses of anger ,that come with healing, but I was expecting it for so long that even those arent that bad. Hell I realized the other day,that I can see him online and it no longer bothers me.That last time I talked to him,a a couple weeks or so ago, it had no negative effect,if anything it was like it was back when I first met him. I kept him at an arms length and everything was good.

I guess the point of this really is while I dont understand or get your motive, I couldnt really care less.To further prove that point:

I work at FinDoMina. You are more then welcome to show up anytime.
You already know about Rogue.

Come see me anytime,although we both know you wont.

30 days of thankful Day 21

Day 21~DISAPPOINTMENT/FEAR~ As weird as this might sound to many, Im thankful for the disappointments Ive had in my life. The things that have happened to cause me fear have ,in many ways,made me stronger. I am able to handle ALOT more without serious complaint or without too much trepidation. Things that would break a weaker person,just make me laugh.

Reputation

Im not even 100% sure where this is going to actually go but either way.....

I was talking to a friend earlier,someone whom I think is pretty fucking awesome. During the course of this conversation,ex's and reputations came up.It got me to thinking about alot of my ex's. (Jesus that makes it sound like ive had thousands or some shit) and I released that with each break up my reputation changed.

The reputation I had in high school of being the quiet,smart & scary girl changed after my split from the oldest dad. I was already well known,with my linage preceding me , but ended up with a name for myself after the girl he cheated on me with (yay for best friends *Sarcasm* ) decided to tell some girl that I was talking shit about her. She decided to confront me ,while I was in my 3rd lunch (I didnt see the point in study hall) and said how she heard I was talking shit about her. I didnt even bother looking up from my book when I said "Bitch I dont even know who you are to talk shit about you, but if you want me to I can." about that time my history teacher (who knew me very well) came over and sent us both to the dean. He preceded to tell us both how we are not going to fight on school property and all the normal bullshit so we left the office and agreed to meet at a park near my house after school. Her step sister found out she was meeting me,went home told her dad who came running up to the park to drag the girl away (my family had a reputation) . He got there,literally drug her away and reminded her who the hell we were.

My reputation changed thanks to that ex's new gf who was my ex best friend. She tried to get me jumped or my ass kicked and it backfired without me even having to get my hands dirty.It went around school rapidly and I never had another issue with that girl,hell we are even friends on FB now and when she had her baby she texted me pics.  That whole incident ended up leading me to another ex. One I ended up spending the better part of the last 19 years with off and on. I ended up dating that girls step sister for a long time and we are still friends. Some of the many break ups between she and I have gotten ugly,some weren't that bad. Each time,my reputation changed a little more or a new reputation was given among new people.

Im still dealing with the fall out from my most recent break up from the couple I was dating. Im finding out more and more as time apart happens. Loosing people I once considered friends,due to stories being told,gaining new friends who have taken the time to get to know me as opposed to listening to the drivel they are being fed. The first time I split from the male half of that couple,it broke me. Seriously did some damage and hurt like hell due to the bond I had with him. Its also why I was so willing to give him a second chance, this time with her. Ultimately,it was her that killed it. I loved her,I loved them both, but she was toxxic for me. It was sorta a running thing between us,I was  Harley ( short,psychotic,loyal and intelligent)  ,She was Ivy ( curvy,attention prone and poison) . I didnt realize how accurate that was in regards to me until well after the split. I was hopeful and still blinded by the love I had for them when I ended it. We ended as friends,with the goal of staying friends and nothing changing other then the titles we had for each other. That didnt happen. While it hurt the night we split, I didnt break this time. Everyone waited for it,but it never happened. Then things started getting back to me. Stories that were being spread,lies with bits of truth put in. I still didnt break,I ended up hurt,got angry,but never reacted. Just watched. I watched as she fell from the pedestal I had her on,watched as he slowly started disappearing from my mind,took note as the people I thought to be friends slowly turned their backs on me.

My reputation changed again,I could no longer say I was friends with the majority of my ex's (infact before them, there were only 2 who I was not friends with. 1 cheated on me repeatedly,abandoned me while pregnant with his child,then got popped for like underage girls. the 2nd would be the one who liked to beat the shit out of me,cheat on me, and do alot of other horrid things to me that still leave scars both inside and out) .I cant say that it bothers me either. In all honesty I really feel I would rather attempt to reconcile the friendship I had with my oldest's bio then to even think of counting a lying,manipulating,deceitful,ignorant female like her among those I hold close.I mourn the loss of the bond I had with him, but I presume that can be replaced and replicated just as easily as I was right?

Rayne

30 days of thankful Days 19 & 20

Day 19 ~CLOTHING~ OMG do you know how much clothes I have? Seriously,I think Im most thankful for all of the shirts Ive gotten from the "Always Keep Fighting" Campaigns. They are a comfort on those dark days, the days when I struggle the most (which happens ALOT more often this time of year) plus the positives that came out of those fundraisers are amazing. Im thankful Ive been able to be a part of something as awesome and large as AKF.

Day 20 ~KEEPSAKE~ I have a bunch of keepsakes. Odds and ends that my Da saved for me that were my Momma's,various pieces of jewelry from the course of my relationship with John,and a rather large,eclectic collection of various fandom merchandise that ranges from Comic books to MLP to Nerdy shit like Doctor Who.

30 days of Thankfulness ~Day 18

Day 18 ~QUOTE~ There are so many good ones.Some better then others, some that I relate to more so. Some of my favorites :


“Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think” A. A. Milne

“The secret to happiness is freedom. And the secret to freedom is courage.” Thucydides

“It's up to you how far you go. If you don't try, you'll never know!” Merlin, "Sword in the Stone"

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.” Mandy Hale

“Be the type of person you want to meet.” Unknown (Which is probably why Im friends with so many damn pervs)

30 days 1-17

So Ive been meaning to do this since the 1st but yea......i suck. So Anyway......Heres the first 17 days of Thankfulness for November.

1~ PERSON~ I dont think there is a single person I am most thankful for. I think there are a bunch that have been there for me, loved me, taught me things and have grown to be huge parts of my heart. I am thankful for each of those who fall into that catagory and Im pretty sure they know who they are. If you arent sure, then ask me. We both know i will answer it either way.

2~ANIMAL~ I have a few animals. My Char Char Binks i will forever be thankful for. Shes always there when i need her or when i have food.She never fails to make me laugh even if i dont wanna. I have my ratties. Sadly Ive lost pond,river,derpy and weebles over the course of the last year. I still have my Storm,Oreo,Yin,Yang and Wobbles. They all have such unique personalities and are awesome little babies.

3~COZY PLACE~I am soooooooo  thankful for my bed.Its so cozy and comfortable.

4~FAVORITE SNACK~ I have a few of those.Green Olives,Tortilla Chips with my Cheese and salsa dip,&Parmesan peppercorn dip are just a few that i can think of off the top of my head.

5~PLACE~ Anywhere near the water. Tybee is probably my most favorite since its the ocean.

6~PAIR OF SHOES~ This bitch is almost always in some form of sandles.

7~SCENT~ Lavender or lilac. Its just so soothing and comforting.

8~RESTAURANT~ Fatz is probably my personally favorite.

9~BLOG/WEBSITE~ facebook or tumblr I think. They are both places for me to be able to talk to friends from all over the world and any time

10~TIME OF DAY~ late late at night. Its always so quite and peaceful

11~TRADITION~ The older Ive gotten the less these are even done anymore. The kids have no interest,John just doesnt want to or we are too busy. It barely even feels like the holidays this year even which is a mixed blessing.

12~GADGET~ My Ipod. Music = life

13~ SOMETHING OLD ~ Other then me? All the memories and experiences I have to hold on to

14~ SOMETHING NEW~ newly found friendships and new memories being made

15~ EXPERIENCE~ Despite the pain I ultimately endured, I am thankful for the experiences I had over the course of this last year. I felt love in ways I never had before,trusted people that I normally wouldnt have even let in and even found new capacities within myself for further loves in the future.

16~ RECIPE~ Im sorta known for my cheesecake recipe >:)

17~ STORE~ Torrid! I am so thankful for a store like Torrid where a fluffy girl like me can still be sexy and stylish while being affordable

Not much to say

Today isnt really that bad of a day. I slept til about 3,got up ,snagged a shower and havent done much since. Its a pretty bad pain day. Head keeps trying to turn into a migraine but Ive managed to avoid that so far. My back is just hurting,ALOT. It hurts to sit,to stand,to walk, to breathe.I cant get comfy no matter what I do. Advil and Flexeril are not much help at all,neither was the norco.

Other then physical pain,things are going good. I miss seeing the Daddyface,but I understand. I just dont like it lol. I need more time with him. Ive found my jealousy rearing its ugly head ,since there is a lack of quality Daddy/babygirl time. Over the stupidest things too. I dont open up my mouth about them but yea, its been happening more frequently lately.

On the plus side, its almost to that point in the year when I will do the 30 days of thanks blog. Hopefully it will be entertaining or at the very least interesting.
Until next time.

Life as I currently know it.

Its been a bit again......primarily due to life running off in its own direction again. I barely got settled back in and started getting used to being alone again when all the sudden there was a a damn hurricane to deal with.We survived it with almost no damage at all. Minor cosmetic shit to the landscaping but thats it. Ended up without power f or a couple days but nothing we couldnt handle.
Next we had another blow up with the oldest,only this time it resulted in him being arrested.Not sure where that will all fall once it does since its still in process.
Then of course there was shit happening in SL.......I lost 2 people that I loved completely,finally taking that final step and removing them from my life in every way. Then I started working on healing. I was starting to settle in,grew the family a little bit more,found myself caring about people and even about the things I was doing. Yet as always, It was stupid of me to do so. I was betrayed and stabbed in the back and it led to me going on to explore new ventures yet again. Like the kitten I am,I landed on my feet but not without some scratches and battle damage. Ive spent the last month forcing a smile,but the last few days its been even harder then normal. Adding to it what time of year it is and Im pretty sure Im heading into a horrid downward spiral . I dont see there being any way to avoid it,so Im just going to suffer through it like normal,hoping that it wont be any worse this year then it has been in recent history.

Lost and Found

Ive been fairly silent for a little bit now,I was sorta lost I guess in some ways. Cycling,dealing with a break up and the inevitable aftermath/fallout that happens kinda threw me off kilter for a bit.It was a loss and a shitty one at that. I considered them to be two of my best friends, people who I let in and thought were close to me,but like everyone else....they left.It hurt,still does on some levels,and in all honesty probably will for awhile until I fully heal.

Yet,Ive noticed despite that loss,Ive started to find my self again. Ive found the smile that started to fade the longer I was with them. Ive found .well more like reconnected, with my family again and even increased it in size. Ive found that side of me that I put on a shelf so that I didnt make her feel threatened by me (although that was pointless,jussayin) being a part of his life. Ive found things that make me happy to do and re-immersed myself in things I forgot that entertained me.Most importantly though, Ive found that while I do miss the connection I had with him and with her,I can form connections with others who fullfill what holes they seem to have left behind.


I dont want anyone to ever think I regret being with him or being with her,nor do I regret any aspect of the relationship. Ive grown from it,learned from it, and feel I have become an even better person. Giving him the chances I did was unusual for me but I felt that pull to him. I had to explore it. I am thankful ,though it was a rough road, that I was able to do so. Doing so helped me to learn more about various aspects of non traditional relationships and reaffirmed many beliefs I already had in place.

so basically ,yes I hurt,but I have a lot of gratitude towards them for all of the lessons learned and previous thoughts confirmed. I lost them,but seem to have found myself once again.

Mine

One simple word "Mine". What does that single word mean to you?

Mine.A simple word really,yet one that has so much meaning to a girl like me.To have someone who wants you so completely that they utter that word,that they choose to willingly take that possession, its a feeling I struggle to explain with words.
I love hearing how I am his,hearing things like"Mine" ,"My babygirl","My princess" ETC. It fills me with pride,almost like a reassurance that I am doing something right. I love it. I crave it. I thrive and blossom when I hear it. In fact almost always upon hearing such things I am pretty much thrown into little space instantly. I feel as if  when I hear it, Im being claimed,not just my body but my soul. 

Make it obvious

I saw this pic a couple days ago,saved it and put it in here then left it so I could try to think on what I wanted to say.

I think this applies to all relationships,not just ones in which there are romantic overtones but friendships as well. You should never make the person or people you love and care about feel like an option. No one likes to feel forgotten,ignored or unimportant to the person they care deeply about. In this day and age,communication is instantaneous,eliminating any real excuse for allowing someone to feel anything less then cherished.

It takes hardly any effort to make it obvious to the person or people you care about that you want them in your life, that you value their spot in your world. A message,a note, a check in on them take nothing more then a few moments of your time,which while it is precious and limited for most,if the person or people are important to you then using a few of those precious moments means all that more to the person who means so much to you.

I know from experience how much that hurts. I also know how fortunate I am to have people in my life who do go out of their way to make it so obvious they want me in their lives. I try to do the same for them. I may not always succeed,god knows I fuck up ALOT , but I can honestly say I do my damnedest to make sure those I love know just how grateful I am for them being in my life. I dont want anyone I care about,that I love, to ever feel the things I have.

What is it you want from your S/O and what do you want to give to your S/O?

What is it you want from your S/O and what do you want to give to your S/O? 

Honesty,openness,an open mind,love,affection,attention,some semblance of control and reoccurance/follow through is really all I want. I know its asking for alot and I dont nessarily deserve all of it .However it is what I want. In many ways its what I need.

What do I want to give my S/o? The world. I would give him everything I can within my power to do so without hesitation.If they are dealing with me in all my clingy and needy ways then why wouldnt I offer everything in return?

Lifestyle Dynamic and Love

Did you first enter into a dynamic right away before falling in love? Did you do so with a contract? Did you do so after vetting? Did you do so with a period of consideration?

Or

Did you first fall in love based on a friendship you had developed with a potential then develop a contract and enter a into a contract?

Or 

Do you believe a D/S or M/S or even S/M should or should not be based on love?

When I first started to explore the lifestyle I was already in love with the Man who would become my Dom.I fell in love based on the friendship that sprung forth from meeting the first time and it sorta naturally progressed into a relationship which then continued to evolve into the dynamic. 

I honestly believe (and least for me) being in love enhances the lifestyle . However I am aware for some that wouldnt be the case and Im pretty sure depending on the dynamic of the said relationship it might even be frowned upon. I am a babygirl. Granted I am a bratty babygirl who isnt always the most obideient,but for me loving my Daddy is just a natural part of the dynamic ,of the lifestyle that I hold is such high regard.

Checking in with your Dom

 Does your Dominant want to know everything about your day? Do they check on you? Do they ask where you are and what your doing? Do you have to update them regularly throughout the day? Why do you think that is?

Another good question asked in the group I belong to that I decided to turn into a post on here.

As of now, noone is that interested in my day. Hell Im not even that interested in my day. I would love it though if there was more of an interest,more checking in,more curiosity in general. Especially now that we see each other even less. It would make some of the distance/lack of time together a little better to deal with I feel.In the past we have tried different programs/apps that we used on our phones/tablets just for checking in and what not. Im tempted to bring those back up and maybe try them again. Maybe its just time to sit down and talk about what we need and want ,where we need things to go.

If your current relationship ended, would you seek another D/s again?

If your current relationship ended, would you seek another D/s again?

I dont know. I wasnt seeking one when I stumbled into what Ive had. I cant say I wouldnt ever seek D/s again,its too integral of a part of me. I can say that it would be a long time before I ever went down that road again,willingly giving my submission to anyone. I would have to protect myself as a babygirl first and bluntly there arent many who are worthy of a babygirl,even if it is just a girl like me.

technology limits

Do you have limits and restrictions on technology? Can you watch as much TV as you want, use the Internet however you’d like or do you have rules to follow as to their use?





No I dont have any limits and restrictions at the moment. I work from the PC typically so its sorta difficult for there to be restrictions on it. As of now I can do as I wish in regards to electronics and the like.
I did at one point have limits. Things changed,roles shuffled around and reevaluations are slowly happening. 
At some point,however, I would love to see restrictions in place again. Im a babygirl in pretty much every sense of the word. Without rules,without guidelines, Im lost. I need the structure,I crave the sense of accomplishment I get from doing as I am told and the pleasure I am able to bring to my Daddy by doing so. Not to mention it keeps my brain sorta occupied ,something that is always needed.

just a dream

She was scared. She was happier then she had been in a long time,felt more complete then ever but still in the back of her mind so sure she would screw it up some how like always. With deep trepidation,she still went forward....

The moment their hands touched it was as if every fear,every worry,every doubt, melted away. It was as if she was right where she belonged.She was madly in love with her. She had been for quite some time now,but for some reason in this moment it seemed bigger,more real, then ever.

Things didnt start off easy.Nothing in her life really ever has.Yet despite the hell they went through ,and they have went through some, she was right by her side. Keeping her strong, being her voice of reason or her voice of anger,depending on the situation. They were a team,an amazing one at that.

Smiling at her as they danced,she pulled her closer as she gazed into the beautiful hazel eyes before her. "Mo Anam Cara, I love you" she whispered softly before kissing the luscious pout of her gorgeous,smiling girlfriend.

She woke with a start,her heart racing.Sadness creeping in,taking over as she gained more awareness."It was just a dream.....Always just a dream." she said to herself as she pulled the blanket up tighter,wiping away the tears.

So...Saturday night....

Ive been pretty moody lately. I mean seriously they have been all over the place,before finally settling in a place of depression which made me a pretty ugly emotional wreck. The hubby noticed and decided to intervene.Which led to Saturday night.

Saturday night was a first for me......in a few ways really.

I went on a dinner and dancing date in SL with all of my partners. I had a really good time. I got to dress up,dance with my beautiful girlfriend,my sexy boyfriend and my handsome husband. I felt like a very lucky girl. Even more so since I know how much pain the boyfriend was in while sitting at his desk (he's got a hurt ankle/foot).

After we logged for the night,I asked the hubby if he could come cuddle with me until i fell asleep. He is starting a new overnight position so he has to work on staying up all night. He said sure then climbed in and got everything ready while I was shutting my PC down. I climbed in and curled up like I always do. He started rubbing my back and head (I had a headache trying to start) ,one thing led to another (damn neck biting is always a weakness) and we started fooling around.

I dont know what got into me or what made me offer,but I asked him if he wanted to get my play collar (its a leather collar thats used when sceneing) and leash. I have never been leashed before,well not in RL anyway. He said yes ,very enthusiastically might I add, and grabbed them while I pulled my hair up into a pony tail out of the way.

The moment the collar was on and the leash clicked in place was almost surreal.He pulled the leash tight,bringing me close to him. As he slid into my mouth,he used the strap of the leach to smack my ass. He pulled me to the floor,stepping on the end of the leash,near where it connected to my collar so my face was down with my ass in the air as he swatted it with the leather of the 6 foot leash.He had me crawl back onto the bed before he entered me from behind,pulling the leash tightly,restricting my air flow before loosening his grip to let me catch my breath.It was amazing and perfect. It was something I never knew I needed or wanted. But I know for damn sure,I want it again.

Things to know about littles

I stumbled across this picture and it resonated rather deeply with me. Even more so today when I've been an emotional mess for some fucking reason. Well to be more honest, I know why, now, but that's not what this one is about now is it?

No this is about littles and littles with guarded hearts. A little with a guarded heart is one who has been hurt,often deeply, who more often then not requires more from their Caregiver(s) . I'm using the term Caregivers simply out of courtesy to those who are Mommies as well as Daddies,same reason I am choosing to use the term little as opposed to babygirl or babyboy.

1.They are strong because they can take care of themselves,but their heart is soft.

There are alot of littles who wear their heart on thier sleeve,but there are some who dont. More often then not these littles are labeled as brats or looked down upon as not being "little enough". Just because a little is a little rough around the edges or makes you work to get close to them does not mean they arent a little.Typically they are harder or bratty as a form of self preservation but once you get in there is no end to the love that little will exude.Its been my experience that the hardest path taken is often the most rewarding.

2.Dont just tell them they are beautiful,show them.

Ive known alot of littles,rare is the one who thinks highly of themselves. Besides who wouldnt want to hear how you see them? They may argue or deny it,but I promise its something that boosts them higher even at times when they dont realize they need it.

3.They need lots of reassurance and nurturing.

Littles for the most part have alot of self doubt. We tend to think the worst,to the point of fear at times and often to our own detriment. Our little brains are our worst enemy.Reassuring your little of how much they mean to you,how much you love them or even that you missed them when you've been apart can change those fears and worries into giggles. There really isn't such a thing as too much when it comes to handling a little who's been hurt before. 

4.Never let them feel like they are alone.

This one seems pretty self explanatory. Obviously as grown people with lives to lead you wont be with your little 24-7,but little messages or random check ins when they aren't expected can get rid of a case of the loneliness very quickly.

5.They are very perceptive and if they think there is something wrong with their Caregiver they may assume it is their fault and they will isolate because they think they have done wrong. 

Littles seem to be able to show more empathy then any others Ive ever known. They can sense something is wrong with someone they care for even without seeing them or at times even hearing them.If something is wrong,spend a few minutes reassuring your little that it isn't their fault,that they have done nothing wrong. Something as simple as a few words while cuddling or giving them a hug with a few minutes of your time. Who's knows it might do both of you some good.

6.Know when its time for punishment ,but also when its time for cuddles and love.

Littles love cuddles and love from their caregivers! I know, shock right? However there is a need for punishment as well at times. It seems to be common among those in the lifestyle to forget the punishment part of being a caregiver. You are responsible for that little. You ,as a caregiver, are supposed to provide that structure and discipline that they need. Without it, they often are left to feel lost and alone,which is scary as hell for any little.

7.They should know how much they are loved and how much they are needed.They should feel like a priority for you.

So,this one I reworded. As a caregiver you should ALWAYS make sure your little knows that they are loved and needed by you. They should feel like a priority for you. I don't agree with the way the picture words it simply due to reality . I know ,despite me being a little, I wont come first and foremost for my caregiver. There are kids,bills,jobs,other adult shit that takes precedence over me,but that would be where the reassurance and some of the other points would come in. A caregiver can make their little feel like they are a priority in their life.The point isn't that the little should be first,but the little should never be left to feel like an after thought.

These are just my thoughts on this stuff. Doesn't mean I'm right or that it would apply to all,its all based off what applies to me.

Bratty or obedient?

Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

For me,it sorta just depends. I can be one of the most obedient,loyal,loving,almost slave like submissive or I can be one of the biggest,mouthiest,bratty baby girls around.More often then not,I tend to float somewhere in the middle of the two. I typically am a obedient brat.Its been a long running joke that I am described as selectively submissive. Rare is the person who can bring the submissive side out of me,even more rare is the one who will take the time to actually try to control a baby girl like me.

I don't know that I can say its encouraged or anything of that nature. I would have to say its more or less just accepted as part of me and how I am. I don't know that anything I do should ever be encouraged truthfully. I'm needy and a handful as is ,encouraging my already questionable behavior could prove to become more then anyone would want to deal with. 

On the other hand, I would love opportunities or ways to enhance my submissive side. I would love to be more submissive or rather be able to explore my submission in a more immersive manner. The issue is always structure,rules,guidelines and enforcing those things. That's typically the area where most fail or things fall short.

What would you change?

What change would you like to make in your sexual attitudes or thoughts?

I struggled when I stumbled on this one. I tend to write these posts in the vein of brutal honesty,often to my own embarrassing detriment and given the mood I've been in today I wasn't sure I wanted to do that today. Sure I could have just skipped writing anything, wouldn't have been abnormal for me to miss a day or so right? Yet i decided against that,as I have slowly been trying to get back into the habit of daily or almost daily writing of some sort. Some days are obviously better then others. 

Either way, to the chosen topic at hand.....

I don't know if its really a change I want or just something that would be more convenient for me. I kinda wish I was less sexual. I would love it if less of my self worth was tied into my sexuality. I guess my blunt answer to the question is really I would change my sexual nature completely. I would change how often i do think about sex and how often I want it. There are times where I am truly envious of those who are asexual. There is actually times where I miss how damn depressed I was several years ago where I went almost 2 years with no need for sexual contact at all. I was depressed, but in alot of way hurt less. Which Im aware makes no sense to most people, but then again when the hell do I ever make sense to anyone? 

Moods and submission

I really am finding alot of inspiration from one of the groups I'm in on FB,Today one of the topics brought up (and I'm only really discussing the part that would be applicable to me) was :

"Does your mood affect your submission such as if you are in a bad mood do you/or would you pull back your submission from your Dominant? "

Mood effects everything in my opinion,sometimes inadvertently.I know when Im in a bad or off mood I tend to bottle things up or hold back rather then lash out. Although there have been times where I've lashed out too. As someone who in a constant battle with depression as well as bipolar (and a few other stigma inducing words), my moods often fluctuate. This is something that not only effects my D/s relationship but all relationships I have. For someone like me, its not always something that I can control or even know why I'm feeling whatever it is I am feeling. Any Dominant that would ever have anything to do with a girl like me ,with issues like mine, would have to understand that. They would need patience and an ability to get the sub to talk/open up. Punishment ,while admittedly would be understandable for bad behavior, might not be as effective immediately. At times it may exacerbate the issue at hand. The best course of action is always to get to the bottom of whatever is triggering the behavior,discuss it patiently,and assign repercussions after wards. At least theoretically that's the best course of action and naturally it wouldn't apply to the brat type of sub who's just being bratty without there being any other cause behind it.As a Dominant it would be on you to know the difference between bratty behavior as a result of being a brat and brat like behavior due to having something wrong. Either way, realistically moods effect every aspect of your life. Good mood usually equates to a good day,Bad mood typically results in the opposite. So I would have to say yes. My mood,the way I'm feeling ,definitely effects my submission or how submissive I may be at that time. For me, its a matter of the Dominant recognizing this and addressing it appropriately for the situation at hand. Something so simple could be the key to coaxing me back out from the rock I hide behind like a scared kitten.

Submissive needs

"A submissive has needs"

"What are some of your needs as a submissive?"

The topic came across in one of the groups Im in on facebook. When I seen it, I was sorta smacked with a reality. I dont think Ive ever discussed my needs as a submissive. Ive always worried about caring for and making sure my Dom's needs were met. I guess in many ways I have managed to neglect myself ( I know a shock to any of those who actually know me *Sarcasm*) and as a result perhaps led to my own unhappiness/lack of fulfillment in many ways.

So what are some of the needs I have as a submissive?

This has not been an easy topic to think on. I loathe introspection. My brain works at a scary pace and can be a dark place so i try my best to stay out of it as much as possible.However when Im writing something like this, its rather impossible to stay out I suppose.

~I need to feel safe

** I struggle with trust issues. I admit to it. I need to feel safe enough that I can open up to you and know that you wont hurt me in anyway. Opening up as a submissive is hard enough due to the amount of vulnerability that is shown,I need to know I can trust you with the most sensitive side to me.

~I need consistency

** I need that comfort thats found in having the known happen as a result of an action.This sorta ties into the next one in a way.

~I need structure

** I need the rules,the structure,the consiquences. and I need them enforced on a regular basis. I know Im a brat and I will push just to see what I can get away with, but I need that wall there to push against that wont give way like a crumbling foundation.

~I need affection

** This one might be a bit more of a surprise for those who think they know me.Ive been told on more then one occasion I come off as a bitch . Ive been told numerous times that when people first meet me they get the vibe to go the other direction ,almost as if a warning of danger. Reality is Im a needy babygirl who wants loved on ,cuddled,hugged,petted,kissed...... I need affection. I crave it. Physical ,emtional and verbal even. Being told when they heard a song or seen something ,I came to mind will give me a smile that lasts for hours and makes me feel so loved (not to mention safe).

~I need time

** I dont need all of your time but I do need some. I dont like feeling like an afterthought or an obligation. I need to know you want that time with me as much as I want it with you. Sometimes alone,sometimes with friends,but I need time.

~I need to feel valued and wanted

**  This one is really hard,simply because I have rather low self worth and struggle to understand why anyone would want me. I need you to push to make me see myself the way you do. I need to know you value me and want me but I also need you to show me that. 

~I need your approval and reassurance

** This sorta ties in with the low self esteem. I need to be reassured on a variety of things often. I need to hear how you think I look,how much you love what Ive done,what Im wearing, the things Ive shared with you. I need you to tell me I did a good job or that Im a good girl. I need to know if I open up that you are going to be proud of me. I need you to be honest with me when you do so though. If I look like crap or I shared something with you I wrote and it sucked......I need you to tell me so. Its the only way I can improve myself and I want to be the best I can be,for both of us.

I know there should be more and I might go back and edit or rewrite this when/if I think of more. At the moment though,I think this is enough of a look into my head. I dont know, maybe my needs are weird or not common. I know a few are probably a surprise to some,but very few read the stuff I write anyway .

talk about ~day 5

5:Talk about the best birthday you've had.

I cant really recall a "best birthday". I never really made a big deal out of my birthday,the year mom passed I pretty much stopped celebrating them at all. My sister tried to make a big deal out of it the last time I was in Indiana,made me leave the house and then we got Tboned. couple years ago I had the hysterectomy on my birthday and there were complications during the surgery,which resulted in a very painful recovery. Honestly? I think I would say my best birthdays are ones when I dont end up in pain.

talk about~day 4

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

I think the closest thing I could honestly say is even in the realm of regret for me would be my first marriage. Even then its only due to who I married and what he did to me. I dont regret the children who stemmed from it or some of the experiences that helped to shape me into who I am today. 

talk about ~ day 3

3:Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for.

It was amazing. Despite my ability to be rather verbose, I dont think I could ever accurately describe the feelings accurately. It was intense ,awesome, magical....It was love in its purest most raw form. Kismet if you will.

talk about ~Day 2

2:Talk about your first kiss.

My first kiss from a girl happened when I was about 11. I ended up befriending one of the "outcast" kind of girls who was geeky and unpopular cuz of it. We soon became inseparable. One night while having a sleep over (a theme that ended up being a habit for me) we were curled up in bed and she kissed me. It was my first ever kiss but was far from the last. She ended up being my first girlfriend and we were together for almost 2 years before I moved back home almost an hour away

My first kiss from a guy was when I was 14 (technically). He came over to hang out with a bunch of friends of mine from the neighborhood and me. We had known each other for a few years at that point (he was one of the first people I became friends with when I moved back home). He laid across the couch,I was sitting on the floor. He brushed the hair away from my neck and made me jump ( yes my neck was a weakness even then) and when I looked back to tell him to stop that.....he kissed me. He went from best friend to boyfriend in a kiss.....and it only took him from 7th grade art club to sophomore year to get me to say yes and consider dating a guy.

Talk about ~Day 1

Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

My favorite movie.....Ive got alot of favorite movies. Most of them are disney I think lol. I love The Lion King. I have alot of really good memories connected to it. 

Anywhere from the first time I watched it (sitting in my living room with my nephew on my lap watching it on VHS while babysitting his rotten ass ) to the friends I made in 7th grade Art club when I came back home that ended up being more then friends (and I ended up with a kid out of the whole situation) to the most recent theatrical release that made John decide he would never take me to see it again (I may have sung every song and possibly even know the whole movie by heart)

I think possibly it might just be my favorite movie. 

30 days of kink~Day 30 (FINAL ONE)

Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.


I run a group and page on FB for the DD/lg lifestyle. I could write tons,share post after post really but instead I thought it better to just share a few links to several posts of my fave blogs on tumblr that might be useful for some of those who read the stuff i write..

45 things a girl wants but wont ask for
50 rules for Daddies
50 things a Caregiver could do for their little!
101 ideas to make Your slave feel Owned (i.e. loved)
Dominants Need Training Also
Things To Help Long Distance Relationships
Long distance relationships. Ways a Dom can be more involved in his submissives daily life.

Ya know what? Even better....Heres the link to the library on that page :)

Library: Long Distance & Online Relationships
Library For Kinksters

30 days of kink ~day 29

Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (eg mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, Sir)? What is your opinion of these titles in general?

Im a babygirl submissive who has a bit of a brat and Alpha side. I have been a Domme and have been called Mistress. I personally love titles. It helps to put me in the right mind set and I like having that special name I can call the one I belong to.

30 days of kink~day 28

Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

Depends on what is going to be going on or whatever it is my Daddy wants me to wear. Ive worn everything from various costumes (nurse,school girl,ETC)  to simple lingerie . Its really just dependent upon the situation at hand.

30 days of kink~ day 27

Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

well yea. Im sorta a huge geek over certain things and tend to be more attracted to those who are as well,which can leak over into the kink side of my life. I guess Im kinda lucky,since it seems alot of my non kink intrests already have a kink following in ways. 

30 days of kink ~ day 26

Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

I think its just another aspect of the dynamic that is beneficial for those who are in a LDR or otherwise can not be with each other 24/7. Its a way to stay close and practice the lifestyle continuously. 

30 days of kink~day 25

Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Im fairly open about most things. Im open about being poly and bi as well as with any relationships I am in. As for the "darker" side of things, Im only sorta open. Ill wear a collar and not think twice about it,but most things are kept behind closed doors. If Im in the company of others who are like me,thats different but regular every day type situations,I keep it more internal as much as possible.

30 days of kink ~ day 24

Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Honesty~ without it no relationship would ever last

Loyalty~ even in poly, loyalty still matters as much as honesty

Communication~ I know this sounds kinda weird coming from someone who is as anti social as I am,but as a little/babygirl I need that reassurance that my partner is still there. Besides who doesnt want to hear from people they actually enjoy talking to? lol

Understanding~ Im fucked up. I own it. Dark past leaves dark shit. I need someone who can hold my hand and say "its ok" when I need it but also someone who can kick me in the ass and say "stop that shit" when I need it too. I need them to understand when I need it too,sometimes Im not the best at knowing for myself.

Geeky/nerdy~ Its a weakness. I like 'em nerdy. Always have. Have a thing for glasses too.....Im a weirdo you no judge me :P