so now he knows for sure

Despite me having told him several months ago,he called this morning and asked flat out when we were leaving. I said (in all truth) I have no idea. He said well I heard you were packing. I said we've been packing since October. He said yea and you have no idea when you are leaving? I said within a month. He went off about how I was supposed to get his permission,which I then corrected him on. Told him again,I am supposed to notify him and the court. Both of which had been done. He then went on about how hes going to fight it once he gets the papers,which I then said ok. He said you will have to come back I said yea for the court date if its after I leave. He said no they will make you move back,which I replied not if why Im leaving is for just cause,which it is. He then asked Why we were moving and I answered honestly. Which then led to even if we leave he wants jr.To which I replied (and honestly Im not a morning person,ha vent been sleeping well at all due to nightmares and this phone call is what I woke up to.) "too damn bad.Im not leaving him behind." He said " that's not what we talked about." To which I replied "No what I said was at the end of the school year we would discuss him living with you,if certain criteria had been met none of which have you even begun to do so yea its not happening." He goes "well then I guess Ill just get him next year ." (age of opinion in WV is 14 ) I pointed out "You do know how that works right? At 14 hes allowed to give his opinion in court that's it. Judge still decides whom is the better parent to take care of him" He goes " yea " I said "ok good then we both know Im not worried about it." Then he went into complaining about having to drive halfway.....then it went to letting them fly alone (yea 2 children with known mental issues one of whom is diagnosed ODD .....and none of them having flown before? NO) Then it went to how he wants his kids every other weekend not summer cuz he has to work . I replied with " You dont have people who can help?" He said "well yea but when they are here I want to see them" I said" you realize how summer works right? They are there when you get up,when you leave and oddly enough still there when you come back home from work...even still there on your days off....til school goes back."  I also reminded him of how Im leaving the phone a WV number to make sure he doesnt have to pay long distance,set up accounts on skype and ovoo for him to see the kids anytime and he is more then welcome to come down whenever he wants just to see them.

None of this is of course good enough,and he will still start shit with us. Which means either hes gonna go do the false accusations thing again and we will be stuck here for another 2 weeks or I leave before the week is out and deal with fall out when and if it happens.

needless to say....YAY motivation.

Still sick

seriously this parasite, disease,infection WTF ever it is needs to go already. I got shit to do and it is seriously interfering with my ability to taste food. As a fat chick....that is almost important right?

Anyway,I haven't really said much about what happened this past weekend at the ex's. Hes a douche. An even larger douche then I realized.

Who the hell would stand there and say nothing while their spouse talked to their daughter like she was trash? Thats not counting the guilt trips hes been throwing on them.

Someone please explain to me how "I cant get you guys I have to work this weekend." and "I wont see you guys anymore if you move. I have to work I cant get you in the summer." works with " You can come live with me. Tell your mom you want to"

How does that work? I mean seriously? You cant care for them or see them in the summer cuz you have to work but they can live with you ? ummmmm Am I the only one seeing a flaw in logic there?

Add to that him missing the fact Mary has been making fun of him to his face since he said the shit about Charity and about how John needs a "real mans job" And it honestly makes me question just how fucked in the head I was at 17.

O and get this...I need his permission to leave.

Apparently the world revolves around him and/or hes my father?

Yea so fuck that. The steps for me to leave is give notification to him,give notification to the court and get the fuck on......

Told him in October we were moving.
so that was roughly 4 months ago give or take.....

Gave notice to the courts awhile back now.....
so that steps done.

now its just a matter of getting gone.
Hurry the hell up Thursday! :P

Another weekend down

So three of the 4 are home....all are filthy,all are hungry,Mary has a rash on the back of her neck that resembles prickly heat but itches her like crazy,Mya is clingy and Jr was oddly unaffected by kevin dropping them off early.

Its still fairly quite in the house. Its scary. I'm waiting for the huge blow up or something to happen. Granted the kids found out this weekend how big of a douche he really is. Between him being 500 behind on Child support but having a new phone,still not having a place of his own,and telling them they couldn't come over last weekend due to him having to work yet gets them this weekend yet still working all weekend long. They saw first hand his lies  and felt the hurt from them.

Then there was the whole thing about Mary having to sit there while her step monster....err mother rather rattled on a list of things as to why Jewel (Marys step sister) hates her. This was done in front of Mary,in front of Jewel and in front of Kevin who didn't say shit but allowed it to happen.

I'm beyond sick of it all. The video....the recordings....the texts....the emails....its about time I think for them to all become public knowledge. Ive continued to pray for that boy,to soften his heart for him to open his eyes to the damage he is doing and has done. For him to get to the point of needing forgiveness.

I should have been praying for strength to not do him physical harm. John saved him once from my wrath after he hurt my little girl.....now the ex's cum bucket is gonna talk shit to my very emotionally and mentally fragile baby doll? How about a o hell no on that one. 

Fuck that noise. Shit ain't happening.

Now  y'all can see why the fuck I am getting these kids the fuck away from him.

Im friggin sick dang it.

I feel like shit.

Im so sick its not even funny. Ever tried to pack/clean/take care of kids/teach/plan a valentines party for 30 3rd graders all the while stressing over a huge move/taxes/your ex husband and feeling like you are dying at a painfully slow rate from the worlds worst sore throat/flu?

From experience, I don't recommend it. Just sayin....It sucks a huge floppy donkey dick. In the meantime, John and I sorta celebrated v-day early since he will most likely work on Thursday and after Monkey's party Ill be exhausted anyway (seriously 30 mins of  party with 30 3rd graders is enough to make me want to never have kids.....something I sorta failed on.) . We had a weekend without the kids,first time in well over a year no one was home and John had a night off. So we we out on what I affectionately referred to as a "Hot white trash date". Chinese buffet for dinner then went to Walmart . LoL.

So that was my Friday......after the ex asshat got the kids anyway. Ky went to his best friends house for the weekend......like pretty much every weekend/no school day/some school days since the impending move was announced. Ky having to leave his best friend is the only real regret both John and I have about the move,there really isnt anything else here for us anymore ya know?

Saturday was kinda boring. I was sick.exhausted so I spent the majority of the day in bed. Finally got up and moved about 330 then went and got foods for dinners. Grabbed a redbox movie then curled up on the couch and watched Dark Knight Rises with John. In the process of watching it,about 1030 last night my phone goes off in text messages. Thinking its probably family making sure Im still alive since I hadnt really been on facebook....I checked it to find it to be the ex.

"Any Idea when u pickin up kids tomorrow"
Im thinking really? Dude you have had them for barely 24 hours and this is already happening? *rolls eyes* I respond with " John has to work,I have the flu so Not sure yet. Why whats up?"
He responds with "well you have to pick them up I got them friday"
I reply with "I know that. I just dont know what time John gets off work yet.we will get them after he gets off"

I so feel like warmed over dragon shit,so dealing with him is not something I really want,but ugh. He refuses to die or wander off like all the other good little deadbeats do. Dealing with Jr isnt something I really want to do either as he is always so filled with Anger when he comes home......

Heres hoping to my survival.

Psalm 21 and prayers.

After reading a status on Facebook that hit home for me,I chose to follow suit as I can use it right now. Psalm 21 personalized for me.

Our Lord, Your mighty power

makes me glad, and I celebrate victories 

that You have given me.

You did what I wanted most

and never told me “No.”

You truly blessed me,

and you placed on me

a crown of finest gold.

I asked to live a long time,

and You promised me life

that never ends.

I am highly honored.

You have let me win victories

that have made me famous.

You have given me blessings

that will last forever,

and You have made me glad

by being so near to me.

Lord Most High,

I trust you,

and Your kindness

keeps me from defeat.

With Your mighty arm, Lord,

You will strike down

my hateful enemy.

He will be destroyed by fire

once You are here,

and because of Your anger,

flames will swallow him.

You will wipe him

from the earth,

and he will disappear.

All his plans to harm me

will come to nothing.

You will make him run away

by shooting Your arrows

at his face.

Show Your strength, Lord,

so that I may sing

and praise Your power. (CEV)

As most of you know by now,we are in the process of relocating down south soon. My ex isnt a supporter of this. He hasnt started real issues with it yet, but Im expecting them anytime after tomorrow. He gets the kids tomorrow night for the weekend.

I am continuing to pray for him and for his heart to soften. I pray he lets go of the hatred he harbors and realizes I hold no ill will towards him. I forgive him for all hes done to me and will do to me. There really isnt enough room in my heart to hold on to such harmful emotions as hatred for him. Ive accepted what he has done to me and forgiven him,despite knowing he will never apologize for what hes done. I know that for a fact,simply because when I reveled I had to leave my job to fight for disability due to back injuries that were caused by him his response was "well thats what you get". I pray one day he seeks forgiveness for all the pain and hurt he has caused,not from me but from the only one who truly can forgive him for the pain he has caused.

Please continue to pray our money gets here soon so we can leave and for Kevin to accept it without issue.

To Forgive......

but never forget.

Ive been doing alot of praying and introspection about things. Alot has been going on and changing in our lives recently and its caused it.

Ive prayed about the move,if it was the right or wrong thing,where we should be,what I should do about the kid situation and about how to deal with Kevin.

I know where we need to be,where we are supposed to be and even how we will get there (eventually since the US government makes the time schedules).

I know that while Kevin is pressuring me to give him Jr it isn't the right thing for him. I know that while Jr wants to live with Kevin he isn't mature enough to understand what that means or the ramifications of it. He is 12 but not mentally understanding whats going on due to his delays. He still thinks he can just come see me on the weekends and live with Kevin during the week. He isn't grasping that he wouldn't see me until summer. He goes back and forth between his love for Georgia (even wants to play for the Dawgs when he grows up which is a HUGE change from a die hard mountaineer fan) and wanting to live there and his love for his dad. Its confusing for a normal boy who's only 12 much less a boy with special needs and a history that includes PTSD.

I know how to deal with Kevin.
I have to honestly pray for him. I have to forgive him for all that he is done to me and that he has yet to do to me. I have to forgive him for his trespasses as God has forgiven me. I will pray for God to soften his heart and his eyes to see that I am not doing this for any negative reasons. I pray he can see that I am doing what is best for the kids.

I know this move is going to cause a battle. I know it will be a fight. I am fairly positive I will get called things that aren't exactly my name.

And I will smile,nod and pray.

Its not my battle to fight alone and I wont.