Reflections on this year

As i sit here and reflect on the massive turmoil that catapulted me into vast and much needed changes over the course of the last 12 months, I cant help but smile.

At this point last year I was wallowing in self loathing,dripping with disdain for who i was with and lying to myself constantly to attempt at peace keeping. I survived the most horrid time of year for me with a bleak outlook on any "future" i had. Drowning in depression I saw very little hope of any form of an out ever. My self esteem was in a pit so deep that it might as well have been buried.

I spent my days and nights hanging out with the few people who did understand, made me laugh and would help to ease the hurt i was in .It was those people,that group that eventually led me to where I am now.  Someone who was more of a friend by association ended up hanging around alot more,then he and i started talking alot even when not in game and with others.....

Which led to a crush,then a big mouthed sister saying something to him,him admitting it was a crush going both ways but my dumb ass never even considered that he would like me. No one likes me,not like that anyway,yet somehow he did. It wasn't long after that (and I mean minutes..) we were a thing. It became very serious,very committed ,fairly quickly but it was organic in its course. It was right,it happened naturally.

Eventually he found out how bad things were,how horrid my situation was. He heard things when my mic was on and i opened up alot to him.He heard me cry and he would play guitar to help calm me down or would just talk to me . Over a short period of time, we both realized how much more we meant to each other and how distance wasn't going to last. I was already taking the steps to finalize my situation and he was making the moves on his end to get us out here to him.

In August, we did it. I packed the van and drove off with the girls . Off to a new life, a new situation, a new world for us. We picked him up in Tennessee and from the moment I saw him it all clicked. This was right. I slept for the first time in years peacefully that night in his arms. I woke up rested and happy,smiling even though we still had a 3 day road trip ahead of us. It was something about him, about us that was just right. I worried I would be too touchy,cuddly, or physical ( I don't think Ive ever even admitted that to him ,even now)but I couldn't help it. There was something that happens when we touch. Even now, it still does. I cant adequately describe it,I just know its effective.

Were nearing the end of this year (and almost a full year as a couple ) and we've been through some hard shit already. We've came out the other side of it stronger as a unit ,knowing we will always have each others back if its needed.We've celebrated our first Christmas together,our birthdays together and will soon be each others first kiss for the new year.

As I think of that,there is only one other thought that crosses my mind:

I end this year in the arms of the man I will spend the rest of my years with and I cant imagine a better end to head into a new beginning.

<3
( My Song for Herby)

30 days of gratitude days 12 ~ 18

12 Jersey cotton. I find it so comforting
13.I guess my ability to read. I dont really have anything that I would consider a real ability
14. the sun. despite how much I love the rain its nice to see the sun sometimes (just not much k?)
15.fall. I love fall
16.I dont really have anything Im grateful for on my body. I hate my body
17.Despite the hell I went through to get it Im grateful forthe knowledge I have in regards to bad and abusive relationships.
18. pretty much anything by van gogh.

30 days of gratitude ~Days 1-11~

1 As weird as this will sound since I live in the PNW,but the smell of rain. I find it relaxing and refreshing all the same time.
2.Im most grateful for the Internet/my pc.Ive met my Anam Cara thanks to both as well as friends who have become family.
3.The color (and I know Ill get shit for this ) but rainbow.
4.Im fat....all of the food.
5.Music. It can bring back memories,create new ones, and be the best therapist ever.
6.Again, Rain. I love the darker days and the soothing sounds.
7.Every memory I have I am grateful for. There are some things I wish I could remember and some I wish I could forget,yet overall I am thankful I have the good ones I do.
8.It would be a book not many have heard of or even read but it was the one that made the biggest impression on me at a very young age. "Stephie cant come out to play"
9.Washington. I found my smile,my love and my happiness since Ive been here.
10. Chocolate. No explanation needed.
11. Halloween. I love it.

First 10 songs

Anyone who knows me, knows I love music and I listen to a wide varity of tunes. Its not unheard of for my ipod to go from heavy metal to pop to punk rock to country all within the same playlist. I grew up appreciating all genres and Im all the better for it. My demon spawn has been raised the same way,yet they know what they love and can sing along from current hits as well as shit thats older then I am. Its my way of giving them culture. 

Its not perfect but I can only give away so much of my perfection for fucks sake. 😜

"Put your Ipod on Shuffle . First 10 songs that play"

1. Fuck you by Sleeping with Sirens
2. You're gonna go far kid by The offspring
3.Revenge by P!nk
4. The ABC's of.... by Lords of Acid (a HUGE fave)
5.Call me Maybe by Upon this Dawning
6. Whore By In This Moment (another HUGE fave)
7 Get it wet by Twista
8.Fuck yourself by Halsey
9. Apocalyptic by Halestorm
10. 7 years by Lucas Graham

6 Months

I know, OMG 2 posts in one day WTF?!?!?

But there was a good reason.....See 6 months ago this happened.....

A Wolf and his kitty

Then just a few months ago (in August to be exact) this happened....

Still a Wolf and his kitty

We have been happily together now for 6 months as of today. It feels like so much longer, but its because we are such a good match together. I would have never suspected it when I met him,but I am so glad things have become what they have. 

I cant help but look forward to our forever. He is my forever,my love and my Wolf.

I love you Herby.

Possessions

What is your most prized possession?

I have several possessions I would consider prized and a few that were,yet are only a memory now. I would have to say my crystal bells are still a rather loved and cherished set of items I have. As well as my collection of fandom items that I have gathered over time.


 Why do you value it?

The bells were originally my mom's and were something I would consistently play with when they were on her nick knack shelves in the kitchen.
My fandom merch I cherish because of my Dad. Its not so much what the items are or even the fandoms they represent, but collecting was something he did. In his case it was Nascar merch and he had me help him with it. So every time I add more to my fandom stuff I think of him.

 How did you come across it?

Well the collections started a few years ago with a few my little pony items,then Doctor Who stuff got added in,followed by Supernatural merch and various Comic/gamer stuff.
My bells were given to me when I lost my dad as he knew it was something my mom would have wanted me to have since she knew how much I loved them.

Catch up and a glimpse into my head

I haven't really been writing lately......no where near as much as I normally do. Im sure none of you have really missed it as my life hasn't had a ton of updates. I started my new job ,well the training for it anyway. Im a billing specialist (basically Im the one you talk to when you call in about your bill) for Charter/spectrum. It has a lot of benefits that make getting yelled at sometimes from customers worth it. Its a lot of adulting for me,which may have had a small wall I hit when it came time to setting up my benefits.....I may have yelled for Herby and said "fix it,Im done adulting"

With that being said, I think Im gonna do a non adulting blog for a bit. Just some random topics and what not which as always Im open to suggestions or anything you want me to discuss, just shoot me a message.

Lets begin shall we? Today's topic :

Songs I listen to when I am:

• Happy - True love by P!nk, Look what you made me do by Taylor swift, In the air tonight (cover) in this moment, sex metal barbie by in this moment
• Sad - remember everything by FFDP,Had Enough by Breaking Benjamin,Rain By Breaking Benjamin, Snuff by Slipknot, Hate Me by Blue October, Through the Glass by Stone Sour
• Bored -Truthfully I have an entire playlist of various songs I listen to when Im bored.The list includes a little from every possible genre so its often been referred to as being bipolar.
• Hyped - Sorry not Sorry by Demi Lovato, New Rules by Dua Lipa,Whore by in this moment, Sick Like me by in this moment, The fighter by in this moment,apocalyptic by Halestorm,I will not bow by Breaking Benjamin
• Mad - The Thunder Rolls(cover)by all that remains, Big Bad Wolf by in this moment, Jekyll and Hyde by FFDP, War is the answer by FFDP,Boots and Blood by FFDP

That being said this is NOT an exhausted or complete list,its merely a small glimpse into my head as I build play lists. 

<3

Life as I know it

Life isn't easy,anyone who says it is is trying to sell you something.

However it is up to you to make your life happy. Ive worked hard on this. Its still not perfect but its getting there. I start work on Monday (my birthday!!) ,which i am a bit nervous about. Its a new situation and we all know I'm not the best with new situations.

Its been almost 6 months with Herby now and almost 2 months since Ive been here. In that small amount of time Ive managed to find a job ,take some life skills classes,make a few rl friends and Ive even begun to debate on going back to school as well. I have had a few struggles with depression and feeling worthless but Herby has been a very patient godsend in regards to that.I do think he feels a bit helpless as he cant do much for me but hes trying as best he can.

Ive found I don't do much for myself,so I am about to change that for the first time ever. I bought myself a laptop that I wanted ,after a ton of research into best for what I wanted. This week I will be doing a bit of self care before I start the new job. I got a hair cut,color and treatment package for an amazing price. I'm going on my day off class and will be taking care of me for once.Its something I need to do for me.

If I do choose to go back to school I have to probably go part time since I have to work to afford a place for me and the girls. Either that or go online.I dunno I guess we will just have to see.I may start this job and fall in love with it.

Beyond happy

So I've been here with Herby for 2 weeks now and I'm still beyond happy. This is honestly the best choice I could have ever made. The girls are so much happier,were safe and I finally feel that sense of home that's been missing ever since I left Chicago all those years ago. Herby is amazing and I'm a lucky girl to have ever caught his attention, all though I still think he could do better.
I'm still working on finding a job and an apartment for the girls and I,but I keep being told to be patient.

Today is Herby's birthday. I get to celebrate it with him and I'm excited about that. Even if he is a pain in the butt and won't tell me what he wants lol

Tomorrow I leave

By this time tomorrow I will have already been on the road for several hours.

To say I'm nervous is an understatement. I'm terrified. Not really for what I'm doing or even who I am doing this with but more so of the prospect of all that could go wrong.I know I don't need to worry or stress, I have an amazing support system but I cant help it. I have high functioning anxiety plus (despite arguments to the contrary) this is really my first time being an adult. I'm nervous and I'm scared,yet I'm excited too.

Here's to a safe trip where memories will be made and new beginnings started.

Tomorrow starts a new path....

Tomorrow morning will change everything. Tomorrow morning will bring an end to over a decade.

As of tomorrow morning I will be divorced for the second time.

I know alot of people never saw this coming and even more right now are reading this while shocked. Not many knew he and I even separated,much less filed for divorce. To say its been less then acrimonious, would be an understatement but we are trying to coexist for the time being. We did come to an agreement so that we were able to get the divorce done and over with. Its not been without issues,fights and ordeals.However,in the end it will all be worth it. I will be leaving mid August to start over,the girls and I. It will be new for us and there is alot of unknown in our immediate future,yet that's nothing we fear.

I keep ending up in my head and its hard to get out of sometimes. I worry about the future and how well I will do with the girls on my own. I'm not the most optimistic type of person, I'm more of a pessimistic type,the one who comes up with ever possible negative known to man that could happen. So its naturally messed with me quite a bit. I thought by now, I would have so much more stability and a decent life established not just for me but for the kids,yet here I am uprooting them and starting all over again. Despite knowing I'm doing this for all the right reasons, I still cant help but feel a bit like a disappointment over it. This is one of those times where I wish my Momma and Dad were still alive. Even if I would have had to listen to my dad give me shit (that was his way of dealing with negatives.....be an ass but make me laugh so I stop feeling down....I can almost hear him saying "you really need to quit picking dumb-asses and marrying them" ) and I could really use my mommas hugs right now (and possibly her chocolate chip cookies.....yes I know her recipe but cookies are always better when you don't have to make them yourself ).

I feel so overwhelmed by everything were doing,by the packing ,the move, the actual trip. I think that's why I keep dropping back into little space. I cant stand feeling so out of control and overwhelmed but in this instance, I don't have much of a choice. I don't regret it or whats going on at all,nor do I doubt that its the right thing. Its just alot of work by myself and its scary. Its alot of adulting and I'm not always the best at being an adult.

On the plus side, in the process of packing up my stuff I found my Night Fury stuffy again.

Ex's

I posted a picture on Fb that triggered an ex gf to message. In the process of talking to her I heard something that Ive heard before,actually rather recently, in regards to thinking about or even remaining friends with ex's.

Apparently some have the belief that once a person is an ex they should cease to exist. While this may be the case in some circumstances (a bad split,violent relationship,or just a shitty person in general for example) its not always the case.

Im friends with a large chunk of my ex's,to varying degrees of how close I am to them. One of my best friends is an ex gf who I spent the majority of my formative years with. Maybe Im delusional (god knows that wouldn't be the first time thats been said about me) but I feel people come into your life for a reason.They make an impact, good or bad. There is no reason to ever forget anyone who has ever had an effect on you. Its those people who helped form you into who you are today. Its not just family ,parents or authority figures who mold you,its all relationships,romantic or otherwise.

Plus in all reality, anyone whos ever dated me deserves an award for bravery ,so who the hell am I to not be a force of support for someone who probably has PTSD from dating me?


<3

50 years

Today would have been 50 years of marriage for them. She loved and doted on him until the day she died. His love for her sustained him until he joined her in the afterlife.I can only imagine how happy they are to be spending such a monumental occasion together again after so long apart.

Ma & Old Man...... I love you. I miss you. I really wish you were here so I could celebrate with you and just get hugs from you. Well hugs from Ma.....mostly a bunch of shit talk from the Old Man but thats how we rolled.(Hes the one I get my mouth and attitude from after all.....at least thats who mom blamed it on)  Happy Anniversary to you both,I love you.

We love you.

<3

Sick,Twisted Deviant

Did the title get your attention?

Good.

As of late,Ive been called this and worse,all because some don't understand who I am or what I believe.

See,Ive never been one to hide anything.Mostly out of laziness but partially due to an inability to give a shit what other people think about me.

I am bisexual,polyamorous,Eclectic Pagan with Christian roots and a strong belief in hedge/kitchen/Celtic witchcraft. I am into BDSM,primarily in the DDbg aspects of the lifestyle with bits of others added in to make my life uniquely mine. I am a survivor of mental,physical and sexual abuse/violence. I am sick but try my best to not let my illness rule me. I am Bipolar with severe depression,social anxiety and PTSD. I am also fighting Fibromyalgia which has me in pretty consistent pain most days,with some days making it hard to even walk.Then theres the small issue with my spine that's a left over gift from my ex husbands violence and the debilitating headaches that I promise suck more dick then I ever could.


What does any of that have to do with the title I used? Well over the course of the last 24 hours my life has been called to the carpet by people who have less then full knowledge. These people are family, in the blood related sense anyway, and I wish to only be as considerate as humanly possible by helping them have full information. I would hate for them to make half assed accusations based on what someone who's full sexual experience is by taking as many dicks as she possibly can from various bosses or otherwise taken men while shes "at work" and her (now ex) husband watches the kids. The same family member who while working at a Factory in Lowell would drive by the married man she was fucking's ,her boss none the less,house to see if his wife was there and use the bullshit excuse she wanted to see our aunt who lived in the neighborhood ( who had nothing to do with her since she tried to give her daughter to the other aunt,saying she could adopt her only to take her back at the last moment) .The same one who would have her baby sister help cover her ass with her school by getting her to write her papers for college so she could actually pass as opposed to failing like she was when the 16 yr old runaway baby sister came to stay with her. The same one who got her baby sister into drugs. Nothing hardcore mind you, was just pot but prior to living with her the little sister was fairly clean in that regard (underage drinking on occasion but 90% of the stupid shit done was done while sober before then).

There is alot more ( like the time where the older sister lost her mind,snapped,beat the older brother with a hammer,curling Iron and then strangling him with a phone cord all over their mom saying she couldn't take the little sister with her) but the point of this wasn't to call her out as well. No, it was more or less correcting trains of thought or at least giving more information. I do not deny being sick,twisted or a deviant. I shine in all those areas like the brightest of stars. I just want you to be more informed so you can ,at the very least, make your attempted insults that much more accurate.......

Then again, I did all the writing for you,so you probably just aren't able to form better insults or even really understand any of this now are you?

damn.

<3

Still not any easier

It was a long time ago, but its still not any easier. Its 24 years today.24 years ago today I went from a shy,quiet,intelligent 11 year old little girl to a lost,lonely,scared girl who become older in mind then in body. 24 years ago today I lost the woman responsible for that damn accent I have, the reason my name sounds as hillbilly as it does, the woman who would provide inspiration in the name for my oldest daughter. I was only 11 when cancer took her from me after a very brief fight,and I miss her everyday.

I love you more today then yesterday but less then tomorrow,Ma.

PS....Its only fitting that I will be seeing Beauty and the Beast with your namesake when it is released. I think it will be the perfect time to explain why that movie means so much to me.

New year

May the new year provide you with all your dreams and wishes. 

Happy New Year!