I am a complicated,kinda mixed up girl. Im a blend of many constantly changing things. Ive always been the different one....the quite one....then odd one. I had different thoughts and beliefs from most I knew growing up.
I grew up in a neighborhood where everyone knew everyone. Hell I still talk to alot of kids I grew up with,fuckers Ive known since diapers,who have dirt on me noone else does....but I have it on them too. Still even alot of guys I grew up with (there were very few girls) didnt know how I "worked" when it came to my thoughts. They all knew me as the spoiled girl at 666 who could kick their asses in a street race on blades,would throw down in a heartbeat,played baseball,football,war and would then turn around and make them play barbies. I was the one who had a TV,VCR,Stereo all in my own room plus the surround sound system in the living room and basically had the house to hang at since there was no parents there.
None of them or any of my family knew how I felt. Noone knew at 12 I started dating.....I had found myself attracted to girls and at 12 I began dating my first girlfriend. I always knew I was different. Boys were fun to play with but girls were almost much prettier. She and I were together for awhile,looking back it was pretty intense for a puppy love/preteen thing. We were together almost a year....Only splitting up cuz I moved back home.
Then I met my best friend,first day back into my old school. I walked into Art and was sat next to him.He immediately began to act (Im pretty sure it was an act) mildly retarded to make me laugh.He didnt have a clue I grew up here and knew almost everyone until the teacher came over and offered her condolences about my mom and said how much she missed her too. He finally introduced himself after class and we became pretty inseparable. 7th grade passed with us hanging around all the time in school....8th grade came and we joined and took over art club even. A mutual love for lion king kinda spawned a relationship that would form a good part of the rest of my life. I started to see him in a different light towards the end of 8th,but still wasnt on a romantic level. .....but I didnt see him any more as a guy....I just saw him for who he was. Freshman year came and we ended up within a few locker spots of each other and in a lot of classes together. It was about halfway through freshman year when he took a shot and asked me out.....He left history early cuz he had a game that day,stuck a note in my locker for me to get after class then waited the weekend for an answer. I told him no,I was scared it would kill our friendship. I couldnt tell him that I was confused by my own feelings for him. How before he came around the only people I found myself attracted to were female.How the only person I had ever dated was a girl. How the only guy to have ever ask me out,was him.We stayed friends.....always talking and being stupid in class.....At one point our history teacher stopped in the middle of class,looked at him and goes "would you just ask her out already?" He replied with "I did,she said no" teacher laughs and goes "keep trying" then went back to the shit he was teaching.
Freshman year ended with us being friends. We didnt really talk during the summer cuz I was busy tormenting family and the neighborhood. Then school went back and shit was never the same again.....week before my birthday was homecoming. I went with 2 of my best friends to the dance.It ended up being a group of 5 of us,3 girls and 2 guys (so many porns start like that...). My one friend decided I needed a boyfriend so she told the one guy with us how we would make such a good couple. He was tall and dark haired while I was short and blonde......From the outside we were a cute couple.....reality was....we had nothing in common even though he was sweet as hell. The day before my birthday Im hanging out with some of the neighborhood girls and they decide to dig through my school directory. They start pointing out names and shit asking if I know them,what they look like,ETC.... They get to the name of my best guy friend and I tell them who he is ,what happened the previous year everything.....so naturally.....one of them calls him and invites him over. He shows up then all of them get called in a little bit later.
So we go in the house and watch TV.....TV really is the downfall to everything for me....that and my damn hair/neck area.I sat on the floor,he laid on the couch. He brushed my hair away from my neck,I jumped and shivered Then had my first kiss from a guy....a guy who ended up giving me so much more. Espically the next day *giggles and winks* .He was my first kiss,first partner,first love and roughly 2 years after that day I had another first kiss,the first kiss I gave to my first born.
Ultimately he broke my heart,they all do right?
So completely long winded and need to bring this back to point ......
I am always changing it seems. Hair color,people,styles....Who i am attracted to ,who I cant stand. Its had its good times and its caused some pains in the ass. Ive made good choices due to it and some shit ones. It took me years of the good ,bad and ugly to get to where I am and to finally figure out my own head.
Once I started dating asshole,I found the term bisexual.....It described me perfectly. I found a sense of peace. I wasnt completely lost anymore. I knew I liked boys and girls and now I knew what it was called. I was a bit happy to say the least. Then I moved on,started getting more serious about shit cuz I mean fuck I had kids now. I wasnt going to give up who I am and what I believed but there has to be a smarter,safer way to do it.....I discovered polyamory. I read everything I could about it.....and it felt right.....It was what I wanted. A full realtionship with both not just one or the other. Which wasnt the easiest thing when married to a twat waffle but thats not here nor there. Years passed,realtionships happened and failed,and I move on. I come across the term pansexual and found it to be much more close to how I feel it amazed me."Pansexuals have the capability of attraction to others regardless of their gender identity or biological sex." It fit perfectly!
Its not been an easy path to self discovery,nor has it been one thats welcomed openly but it is who I is.Does this mean its the end of my journy? Fuck I hope not.....It took me years,but I like being the weird one. Ill be 32 this year. I walk around with pink or some other funky colored hair. I am pierced and tattoo'd (with more on the way) I get compliments on the funky hair (granted alot are from kids but I dont give a damn) I get told there is no way Im the age I am.....I think Ill be ok being weird ,different and always changing.
Plus Im bipolar.....thats always an excuse too.
