Our first weekend

Its been a loud and raucous long weekend. We picked up the kids Thursday night since they had no school Friday. It was an interesting weekend,that admittedly I loved and missed ,but it has also been a year so it was a little bit of an adjustment. I had my doubts that I can handle it anymore ,,but they were just that ...doubts. This morning we had a surprise visit. The caseworker in charge of our case as well as the woman who does our home visits did a surprise visit. John and I kinda expected something like that to happen at some point this weekend. We sat in the kitchen ,talked for a bit about everything ..how the weekend has been,if I think I can handle them being back home full time,the upcoming MDT, everything.Then I took her on a tour of the house which met with her approval. So tonight we take them back to Kevin's for a week. Next Sunday they will be moving back home. I'm ready for this.

And ^^^^^^^^^^ thats why.

I love having the kids home.Its been entirely too silent in this house without them being here.

On the other hand,its been a year almost. I can honestly say Ive fallen "off the wagon" as far as being a full time mommy. It's something Ive got to get back into the swing of things with. Shouldn't be too hard I would imagine,I mean Ive done it for a little while now ,its just when you aren't having to do it everyday for almost a year a person gets out of practice I guess.

I am about to admit something that I never admit to. I'm scared. I'm terrified even. I'm scared of failing them or not being good enough any more.

someone worth dying for

As promised....NEWS

I guess I could just blurt it out ,tell you exactly what the news is,and stop everyone from guessing that I'm pregnant. Which NO I'm not. That would however kill the fun for me and well frankly,shorten my writing.....which would suck.

I know all of you love me for that right? 

Anyway, as many of you know this weekend will be the first overnight visit for the kids.They will be here from about 9 AM or so Friday ,since there is no school for veterans day,til 6 or so Sunday. They are overly excited to say the least. :)

 

Well I talked to them last night,was informed of some bad behaviors by a certain pre teen boy who's now been suspended from the bus for 2 days....and then was asked if they would be staying the school they are already in. I told them what I always tell them,which is I have no idea since I don't know for sure when you will be coming back home permanently. Ky then tells me , my ex husband told him they are coming home in like a week. I said What? The ex then gets on the phone,tells me the case worker came to their house and told them that if this weekend goes well ,then the kids would be home by the 20th. 

Well as I expected,the case worker called me today(hence why I said i needed conformation before telling the news) . She told me we had a MDT on the 15th at 230,and that if this weekend goes well,we will be doing a trial reunification beginning on the 20th of NOVEMBER. Not December like was originally planned. The kids would be back home by next week. Then as long as everything continues to go well ,in December when we go back to court they will be placed permanently back home with us.

So there is the big news.....confirmed,signed,sealed and delivered.

Now QUIT ASKING IF I'M KNOCKED UP DAMN IT!!! :P

a funny Saturday....

  I really didn't do much today other then watch 24 ,have some taco bell and hang out around the condo.....but alas,the internet always provides quality entertainment as most of you know.See I spend some time on face book daily.....talking to friends,family ....checking in and keeping those who care well apprised of the current situation.

   Almost all of you who read this know how HUGE of a Deadbeat Dad HE is.so imagine my shock to see HE had joined one of the groups I belong to on FB.....And then he actually posted in it,which I will not lie....I fell out of my chair laughing my ass off about once reading the post HE put.

   For the record,I did edit the following picture....I smudged the picture on it to protect the minor in it as well as edited HIS name simply due to I refuse to have it on my blog.

  Now once you are done laughing and have caught your breath.....remeber the post in that picture was written by HIM....the same HIM who was 7 months behind on Child support at the time of my hell beginning,the same HIM who has told people that the kids would be better off not in his care,the same HIM who has admitted to abusing the kids and has even asked me to find a way for him to give up his rights.

  So HE hates dead beat dads now? so then does this mean he essentially hates himself? Isnt self loathing a symptom of a mental condition?

Understanding Bipolar Disorder -- Symptoms

The primary symptoms of bipolar disorder are dramatic and unpredictable mood swings. The illness has two (bi) strongly contrasting phases (polar).
1) bipolar mania or hypo-mania

• euphoria or irritability

• excessive talk; racing thoughts

• inflated self-esteem

• unusual energy; less need for sleep

• impulsiveness, a reckless pursuit of gratification (shopping sprees, impetuous travel, more and sometimes promiscuous sex, high-risk business investments, fast driving)

2) bipolar depression/major depression

• depressed mood and low self-esteem

• low energy levels and apathy

• sadness, loneliness, helplessness, guilt

• slow speech, fatigue, and poor coordination

• insomnia or oversleeping

• suicidal thoughts and feelings

• poor concentration

• lack of interest or pleasure in usual activities

   I'll be damned.....It fits the symptoms of bipolar....the same thing HE was diagnosed with when he was 14 or so....has been OFF medication for...and has repeatedly denied having.....to the courts that is.Then again he also denies having a criminal history as well.....I guess that domestic assault conviction is just a figment of mine and the courts imagination right?

  With love (and laughs) 

Letha

7 x 70

  I know its been a few days since Ive written.....Ive been kinda sick....plus a visit with the kids....and visit with one of the lawyers today....which really was a waste of time....Not due to the lawyer being useless but simply due to the joke of a offer that was made.Either way.....I guess the simplest thing to say would be that its starting to look up at the same time as its moving slow as hell :)

  As for me being sick....well its been the last week or so.It started with a migraine,bad enough I took my sleep meds just to try and sleep it off.then it was the sniffles....then acid reflux....then all day today its been sleepyness and pukeyness. I dunno whats going on but something needs to give dang it lol.

  the visit with the kids was great.They were here for 3 hours.....we ate pizza,played games,talked a bunch,Jr had me burn him a CD of his and Daddy John's fave music along with a few of my faves.We had a few instances of issue with the boys being very hateful towards girls(calling thier sisters fat pigs and nasty )and Jr had an instance of saying a word he was taught is not right to say in my house(Faggot) ,which means hes picked up some language from where he is at currently.Other then those issues it was good.

  Now I guess I should address the title....some of you may know Ive been working on trying to forgive Him for all he has done to me.Its HARD to do,even more so when He continues to do more and more.Yet this song,when listening to it,stregthens my resolve.It reminds me of what my goal is to begin with. Im proud to say that I have begun to forgive him for all he has done to me.Its only a beginning ,and forgiveness does not mean to forget.but without forgiveness,he still has a power.and He does NOT deserve any power over me.

*A clip of the lyrics that hit home with me*

I lost count of the ways you let me down

But no matter how many times you weren’t around

I’m all right now

God picked up my heart and helped me through

And shined a light on the one thing left to do

And that’s forgive you

I forgive you

7 times 70 times

If that’s the cost I’ll pay the price

7 times 70 times

I’ll do what it takes to make it right

I thought the pain was here to stay

But forgiveness made a way

7 times 70 times

There’s healing in this house tonight

I’m reaching up to pull it down

Gonna wrap it all around

Yeah

I’m gonna wrap it all around

With Love,

Letha

(THE VIDEO)

7*70

facing adversity with a smile.

  Its Saturday which means naturally my phone calls to him are ignored. I do have to say this is the first time since he began this childish crap that i didn't get depressed or upset.Granted John,Aly and Des all kept asking if I was ok.....but I'm pretty sure that was out of habit.

  about 9 or so,my texts started blowing up.....it was him. He basically says he is not allowing me to speak with the kids anymore at all,but will let me still see them twice a week. Keep in mind,the calls and visits are court ordered and he is not in control of them at all,which also means every time he stops me from speaking to the kids....hes in contempt of court.

  Now I know you are prolly curious as to what pushed him over the edge ,again ,this time.Well my phone rang about 1230 this morning(when most people are in bed.) and it scared the hell out of me.Why? Simply putting it,if your phone rings that late...you normally have a little fear.When your phone rings that late ,its the ring tone you gave to your violently abusive ex who has your children....well you get scared shit less....

  Well I answer the phone and hear my baby boy (JR) on the line.I ask him whats wrong and get told he couldn't sleep,he was hurting and scared .I asked where everyone was (asleep) and if they knew he had the phone(no cuz no one would wake up).I spent about 30 mins on the phone with him comforting and calming him down so he could go to sleep....then he starts texting me begging me to not be mad at him but he likes talking to me and stuff like that.All of which I tell him Im not mad but I want him to get some rest and stuff so he doesn't get in trouble.He finally goes to sleep about 2 AM....then I get a wake up text from him saying good morning and that he loves me and is feeling better.He also called me and said good morning.My guess is He found out about the calls and texts and is pissed off....and prolly going to try and use it against me judging by the wording of his threats when HE texted me this evening to tell me im not allowed to call anymore.

  Theres just a small problem with it and the main reason I am not worried about it. I knew once Jr told me no one knew he was on the phone that no one was listening.....so I recorded the call.Paranoid? Yea maybe....but at the same time....can you  honestly say if you had went through the hell Ive been through that you wouldn't be as well? I doubt it.

  Truth be told....the abuse I still am subjected to from him is almost ....I don't want to say worth it cuz that's not the right wording.....but understandable. My babies love me.and I will do whatever I have to,endure whatever I have to,obtain whatever is needed for them to be returned to where they belong.

With Love

Letha

one small afterthought that makes me smile~ recently,during my meeting the other day,it was stated by a certain female, that my kids aren't exactly"begging to speak to me on the weekends anyway". I think that late night phone call from a phone taken  while the adults were asleep,proves otherwise,just a bit.

Moving Forward

You will never be able to move forward if you continue to let your past control your future.

   I saw that not very long ago and it just resounded so loudly with me.This past week hasn't been the best....hell the last few have steadily been slowly going downhill.I was supposed to have 3 visits with the kids this week,to make up for one that was taken from me last week due to a court hearing.I'm supposed to be able to speak with my babies everyday by phone ,as per a court order.

  But the added visit was taken from me at the last minute by him.He has made the decision to ignore the court order and has taken my daily phone calls from me,allowing me 3 a week if I'm lucky enough for him to answer the phone.When I do get to speak to the kids I am berated with vicious names coming from the background and snide comments being made at me by him and his. he has had the audacity to accuse me of prompting the kids into saying things or wanting to see certain people yet when I'm talking to them on the phone  he is easily heard feeding them things to ask and say in an attempt to get me to loose my temper or to say something wrong.

  But Ive never done anything he is accusing me of.My husband has never done anything he is being accused of.What he fails to realize,is that I am not the same woman he was married to .After being abused by him for 6 years I have actually gotten a little smarter. All the phone calls,when I get them that is are monitored.every communication between he and i is saved,printed,copied and hard copied into 3 locations on several drives.Everything he has ever said and done in the last 6 years (since I left him) has been documented and will be continued to do so.

 Yet,I'm learning to let go of that past so that I can move forward.I know that my goal in the end is to completely let go of all the power he has over me via the memories.but I can only take one step at a time.Does it make me a foolish weakling for admitting that someone who beat me and raped me for 6 years still has power over me 6 years after I left him? No,it doesn't. Its the first step to me forgiving him and taking that power completely away from him.

With love

Letha

Its 6:30 Am....do you know where your mind is?

 So I saw the kids Monday,got sick monday night,kinda fell out till pretty late tuesday....got to talk to my beautiful babies and tell them about the suprise daddy got for them.(shhh dont tell them but the rest of thier xmas stuff he went and grabbed today).I only talked to them for about 5 minutes,but even that is long enough for me to hear I love you from them,and thats all any one could ask for. For once my call was limted not due to him being a dick(at least I dont think it was) but simply cuz it was a nice day out and the babies were outside playing.They were enjoying themselves it sounded like and I was happy they took a second for thier mom .Its little things like that,which I know they dont realize,but they show me how much they do love me.

So I get to see them today *YAY!!!!* I think Im gonna try a game free day and see how well that works for me lol. I just wish things could get back to the way they used to be. soon they will be Im sure,just patience has never been my strongest suit.

 as for the rest of the week so far.....well as some of you know we got a bit of a shock this past week when we found out about him doing something rather vastly illegal.while it is a annoyance and an inconvience,it will be handled this week accordingly. You would think someone who has spent so much time around jails would know what he can and cant get away with.Typically federal shit is not something you wanna mess with .....but it is what it is,right?The proper authorities already know and will have all the proper paper work by weeks end :)

 the exercising has been going well.Im pretty sure des is trying to kill me with the working out but its a good death.If i can drop some of this weight(this time in a healthy way) then perhaps some of the health issues will fade away.at least,again,i can only hope.well there really isnt much left to talk about,so on that note,be blessed.I will update more after my visit with the kids......

Letha

 PS Whoever is trying to share my blogs.....its cool....if you need direct links just ask me....then others wont have to try and search by blog title through yahoo.

Another Monday down....

   It was Monday which meant I got to see my beautiful,albeit attitude having,babies. I was feeling off all day....I kinda got sick while at the grocery store while shopping for the kids dinner stuffs and groceries for the week.. But as usual that never stops me,anyone who knows me knows this. When they got here things were better,well I made myself better lol.my visits on Mondays are 3 hours long so there is alot of computer time,video gaming,card playing and teasing each other.....along with alot of notes and pictures drawn.

  Today though we had a chance to make someones day who had been hurting and missing them as much as any of the rest of us.....They got to talk to grandma for the first time since all this happened. They all seemed to enjoy it....and I know grandma did....she was in tears (of joy) which really made it all worth it.

  I love my babies.....and they are very well loved and cared for....I just wish others could see this too instead of making baseless stories up.....but I know god is in control and will make all of this right again.Only he can and will heal the pain that this has caused.

with love,

Letha

So how was your day?

   Today was long to say the least.I went roughly 36 hours before i finally laid down for about a 30 minute nap.however before i could even get to that point,i had to go to the doctor.it wasn't exactly a visit i was looking forward to but at the same time I wasn't dreading it either.he asked what was new since he last saw me,and that's all it took.it all came flooding out (kinda rapidly mind you,very manic like lol) to the point he stopped me told me to breathe and repeat.so I told him," well my ex has went back to being verbally,mentally and emotionally abusive this time pretty much with the ok from the court,I'm still fighting to get my babies back from him and i haven't slept in almost 2 days." so he basically decided to pick it apart and address each side of things ,which included an increase in one of my medications and adding back in full time therapy for the ptsd. he also stated that whenever it is ready and needed all that the court has to do is ask and my records with full diagnosis will be ready ,including the proof that i am not lying about what i endured during my marriage(something the ex has repeatedly said)

   so then i left there ran to the store with the gnomish and got a few more things for the kids. nothing real huge just some notebooks for them to write in while they are here and stuff like that. then I came home and ate then sat on the couch in an attempt to nap.my phone rings and its our worker asking if she can come a little early so she can do some of the parenting stuff with me.I said sure and she was here by 2:30.at 4 was the visit with the kids,which of course he was late getting them to and he isn't even the one who bothered to bring them.he had someone else bring them instead. my babies were here though!!!! kyle wanted to make a card for his math teacher who had surgery on her hand so we did,which led Mary to wanting to make one for her daddy.she picked it out we printed it and then she had everyone sign it. it made me want to cry cuz i knew how he was gonna react when he saw it. this separation is killing him as much as it is me. well then the food showed up,so we ate Chinese ,then went outside and played. overall we had a good visit.
  then the ex came to pick the kids up.from the moment they see him their whole demeanor changes,even our worker commented on that.but either way,the worker walked up to the ex and told him this week there will be 3 visits to make up for the missed one from last week,since the kids are off school anyway it wont hinder anything. the ex kinda threw a fit over this,but our worker really didn't care.it is only fair. well then the ex left and our worker was getting ready to leave ,but before driving off tells me to text her and let her know if the ex doesn't let me talk to the kids this weekend.its a violation of the court order and will be addressed if he doesn't.

 so basically as hopeless as he has made me feel over the course of the last week or so,after today it really does feel like i have been given back some of my strength and that i really do have some people who see the truth for what it really is.

for that I am truly grateful,

letha

Trying is hard

   Trying is hard....so is change. I want to let it all go and try to move on,yet Ive now been awake since yesterday morning.I wasn't able to sleep at all tonight....or should I say last night.Ive always had a problem sleeping before my visits with the kids(typically I'm too amped up ,I miss them terribly) but last night,I even closed my eyes for 2 seconds in an attempt to try and sleep and I saw things I thought I had let go a long time ago.The silent screams,the names,the hiding in a room,the box cutters.....


   I thought i had moved past the nightmares,dreams and flashbacks.i guess i haven't.I don't know how to even begin to.Ive been in therapy for years,since shortly after i left him.I've done everything that I've read or been told to do.....apparently its not worked for me.so at this point,I'm out of ideas. i guess its back to square one.....wish me luck

Letha

step one to healing...

"You cannot free yourself from a problem by shutting your eyes to it. To free yourself from a problem you have to acknowledge it and face it with your eyes and heart open."

I found the above quote and it resonated loudly from deep within me.Ive always felt i had my eyes open to my past but had to close my heart to it,simply due to the amount of pain involved in having been through it.i have essentially always kept my eyes squeezed tightly,shutting it out and thought i would heal better that way.I've come to the realization that unless i open my eyes and heart i will never heal from the abuse and torture i went through with him and from his hands.he will always have the same effect on me ,much like he did earlier,if I don't face the demons head on.only then will i ever be able to heal and move on completely.
maybe even one day I will forgive him for everything he did and has taken from me.one step at a time i suppose.
with newly opened eyes and an open heart,

letha

somethings will never change

6 years ago,I made the very well thought out choice to leave my ex husband.the relationship was physically ,mentally and emotionally abusive.I am a mother above all else and never wanted that to be inflicted on my kids.
yet when you flash forward 6 years,I'm still haunted by him.thanks to the wonderfully intelligent state of west Virginia, he is now legally allowed to continue the abuse.he was given the children which he has admitted to abusing ,by the way, to the point even the children are calling the police for help from his house.he has been court ordered to allow me to speak to the kids every day and bring the kids for visitation twice a week. yesterday I was verbally berated by him and his wife,and today while talking to my youngest he asks what I said to her.I stated that I said"so you are coming to see me tomorrow?" he responds "Like she has a choice?" I said "That's really not appropriate" then went back to talking to my monkey.After she and i are done talking he grabs the phone and proceeds to tell me that he doesn't give a damn what the court order says the weekends are his and I will not be talking to the kids during that time. I said , its court ordered. he replied i don't give a fuck.its my time not the courts.i said fine ill let my lawyer know to which he replied good I don't give a shit who you tell that's how its going to be.
I know not everyone who reads this has been a victim of or even knows a victim of domestic violence,but the effects don't ever really go away i guess. i literally threw the phone,started shaking ,and broke down in tears. the flashbacks of what came next after hearing that tone of his ran through my head so realistically that i could touch them.its been several hours now and I'm still shaking.I'm thankful right now that tomorrow morning i have therapy,and then tomorrow afternoon i get to see the kids.
Ill write more later,for now....i need a break.
letha