Post Christmas

Well I survived Christmas. There were some tears,a bit of depression ,and admittedly it got bad for a bit but its over now. Im looking forward to the 6ths coming and going next.

I didnt really get much,but im ok with that. Its not about whats received, its about giving. The kids seemed to have loved what they got. John basically picked out what he got so ya know hes happy. Ky's presence was definitely noted as missing. I know i missed him being here. I hope his Christmas was ok where ever he was.The tree and decorations are already down and put away,waiting to be taken to storage.

Yet the depression lingers. Its worse this year then it has been in recent past. Im not entirely sure why but the darkness has returned. Its been a while since its been as bad as its slowly been getting. The overwhelming since of worthlessness, of self hatred,the lack of care about pretty much everything,its all come back hardcore.I did something tonight I didnt think I would ever do again.

I admitted it might be time for help. Im pretty sure Im loosing the grip I had on my mental health. Im not always the most sane, but some of the shit thats floated through my head lately has scared even me.John mentioned the "T" word (Therapist) ,which always works with me. I mean come on,Im always opening up about my feelings and thoughts to people, I never hold anything in ( said in TOTAL fucking sarcasm) .Most of the mental health drugs Ive tried have been a fucking joke too,but I dont know what else to do. I dont want to slip into old habits of self harm to attempt to grab ahold of things and I fear finding success where Ive (luckily) failed before.

I dont know what this means or whats going to happen,but I hope I survive it.

My Dad

I know by now I should be a little more adjusted to him being gone,but I'm not. He was my Dad for fucks sake. My idol,my biggest supporter,my Daddy. If I even mentioned something I was interested in,he would take me to try it and if I was good you can be damn sure he threw his full support into it.

Roller blading? Top of the line speed skates then would laugh when I would out run all the boys on their bikes on my skates. Hockey? Gives me ice skates and says I have to learn that first. 2 hours later back at the sports store buying my hockey gear after watching me take to the ice like a fish to water. Photography? Buys me a disposable camera and drives me to Irish hills Michigan to take pictures. Gets them developed and shows them to one of his friends who is a professional photographer. She asks what rig hes using to get such awesome shots,he proceeds to tell her his 14 year old daughter did it with a throw away camera, she tells him what to go buy me and he does. Music? Yea,my vast knowledge and love of all genres (including my weird ability to name songs as fast as I do which is why no one will play me in song pop anymore) all from him and was something he nurtured by making sure I had the best stereo equipment and set up to go with it. My love for reading and skill at writing? He bought me the complete collection of works of Shakespeare,Stephen King and several variations of religious scripts.He encouraged me to read,be full of knowledge and to challenge the norm despite him being devotedly Christian.He knew I was different and loved me the same.

This is the man who despite growing up in a time where races did not mix,welcomed his biracial grandchild with open arms and bought him anything he could ever need. This is the man who despite growing up with the belief that gay was disgusting,literally had the response of "Why do I give a shit who you are fucking" when I came out to him as bisexual. This is the man who I got my sense of humor from (yes even how twisted it is ) as well as my smart mouth (although even he would say mine was a little faster then his).In a lot of ways he was my hero,but much more importantly; he was My Dad

PS~Im a firm believer that loved ones can send you little messages from beyond,*points at the bottom picture of the page views*

I got yours ya old fart. ;)

Blah.

The closer it gets to Christmas the worse I get. Ive neglected things like my writing,ive barely been interacting with the few friends I have and Ive been sleeping.....ALOT. Its a little worse this year then it has been in the recent past, not really sure as to why other then Ive been battling a Fibro Flare for about 2 weeks now.

Its pretty bad though. I dont want to do anything,I dont leave the house really,Ive stopped writing,hell Ive stopped reading. I just dont really have a desire to do anything lately and being alone all the time isnt really helping that. I know I am feeling alot of resentment towards certain people who promised I wouldnt be going through this alone this year. Though I dont know why Im feeling resentment, Im the idiot who believed them when I knew everyone always leaves me. Hell I even said that when he told me he would be there for me.

Thats not what this is about though. Here in 3 days,Ill be a mess. Its already bad before I get to that day I can only imagine how much worse it will be on the 23rd. At least I was lucky enough to get a few laughs and smiles today.Until next time.

Bah humbug and all that shit

Not everyone knows why I hate Christmas,though everyone who knows me knows I do in fact detest Christmas with unbridled passion.

I used to love Christmas. I was a mommy's and Daddys girl and the baby in the family. I was a rather spoiled girl on the holidays. Even when momma got sick,she went out of her way to still help spoil me. She made Dad hunt all over for the right stereo ,the perfect airbrush set up, and beauty and the beast on video. The last one was the hardest for him ,since it was sold out everywhere. A week before Christmas she sent her nurse to a store ( I legit have no idea which one since it was downtown Chicago) to buy a copy of it and even threatened that nurse about what would happen if she came back without it. ( Sick or not, pissing off a southern woman is never a bright idea. She will beat your ass and you will end up thanking her for it after wards) The nurse did not fail and that weekend when I came up to the hospital to visit we celebrated Christmas. Little did anyone know ,it would be her last. January 6th,a little over a week later, I was pulled out of school to go say good bye to my mom. I was 11.

That would be enough to make anyone dislike Christmas right? Flash forward some years later, I'm grown (physically anyway) with 4 kids and a brand new husband (we got married in September) . I logged into myspace ( remember when that was still a huge thing) and had a message from my brother in law that my sister is trying to get ahold of me. I didn't think much of it, It was 3 days before Christmas I figured maybe she wanted to say hi to the demon spawn before they go to the ex's for the holiday. I guess I should insert at this point, I don't talk to my siblings much. Typically holiday phone calls (or as of the last few years, texts) and that's about it.

I'm sitting at my computer ,grab the phone and call her.She immediately picks up the phone and asks if I'm sitting down. I said yea, I'm fat its sorta what I excel at. She responds with "Dad's gone" to which I reply "to got see Betty and them again?" It didn't immediately click for me what she meant,despite knowing my Daddy was well up there in age ( I was the WTF happened baby. They had 3 kids,mom got fixed then 10 years later I showed up cuz her getting fixed didn't stick) She said "No, he had a brain aneurysm and a massive heart attack. They aren't sure which happened first without the autopsy being complete.George (the next door neighbor ) found him when he stopped by Your voice mail was the last thing he heard ,he still had the message open on his pc where he was telling his friends his baby just got married."  I sat back in my chair,I guess I had some kind of look or something on my face cuz John turned around from whatever he was doing in WOW and said whats wrong. I waved him away because I knew if I said it,I would loose it. I finished talking to my sister ,getting whatever details I could,then hung up. I looked over at John ,who was still staring at me, and told him "The headaches were more then just headaches and his heart said fuck you again".I broke down at that point. My Daddy was gone and it was 3 days before Christmas.

So try to understand when I spend most of the holiday in some form of inebriated state,battling the sadness in ways that are alot cheaper then most prescription medications, that its a really hard time of year for me. Im naturally chemically imbalanced and the holiday season makes it even worse. Yes I toss on a bullshit smile,bake,cook,decorate and make memories but its for the kids. I can look back at my childhood and remember all those awesome times (like mom getting drunk after dad made her one rum and coke and her trying to play mall madness with me. BTW that game is SOOOO much more fun when you have a drunken southern woman yelling at the bank to give her her damn money) and I want the kids to be able to do that too. Although it would take alot more then one drink for me(yay for dads genetics)