Moving Forward

You will never be able to move forward if you continue to let your past control your future.

   I saw that not very long ago and it just resounded so loudly with me.This past week hasn't been the best....hell the last few have steadily been slowly going downhill.I was supposed to have 3 visits with the kids this week,to make up for one that was taken from me last week due to a court hearing.I'm supposed to be able to speak with my babies everyday by phone ,as per a court order.

  But the added visit was taken from me at the last minute by him.He has made the decision to ignore the court order and has taken my daily phone calls from me,allowing me 3 a week if I'm lucky enough for him to answer the phone.When I do get to speak to the kids I am berated with vicious names coming from the background and snide comments being made at me by him and his. he has had the audacity to accuse me of prompting the kids into saying things or wanting to see certain people yet when I'm talking to them on the phone  he is easily heard feeding them things to ask and say in an attempt to get me to loose my temper or to say something wrong.

  But Ive never done anything he is accusing me of.My husband has never done anything he is being accused of.What he fails to realize,is that I am not the same woman he was married to .After being abused by him for 6 years I have actually gotten a little smarter. All the phone calls,when I get them that is are monitored.every communication between he and i is saved,printed,copied and hard copied into 3 locations on several drives.Everything he has ever said and done in the last 6 years (since I left him) has been documented and will be continued to do so.

 Yet,I'm learning to let go of that past so that I can move forward.I know that my goal in the end is to completely let go of all the power he has over me via the memories.but I can only take one step at a time.Does it make me a foolish weakling for admitting that someone who beat me and raped me for 6 years still has power over me 6 years after I left him? No,it doesn't. Its the first step to me forgiving him and taking that power completely away from him.

With love

Letha